The 2017 Smarter Than Phil Simms Fantasy Football League Draft happened Saturday, August 26 at Casa Commish. It was an under-under-undercard to the highly touted Mayweather-McGregor fight.
So you may have noticed you got multiple emails saying “Your draft results have been entered.” Let me tell you the story:
ESPN didn’t let me enter draft results in the snake format; their offline tools just don’t work like that. I had to enter them one team at a time (which in a way makes it easier, but anyway). So I entered in the draft order, beginning with Team Provost. I finished Grim Reaper, and clicked “Finalize draft.” As you know, Reaper had the 9th pick. So the 10th team (yeah, mine) had no players. So I had to reset the draft. And do it all again. #commissionerproblems
Team Provost
Shady, Zeke, Davante Adams, D-Jax, CJA, Devante Parker, Zeke’s Replacement for a few games, Cam, Super Bowl Hero James White, SuperMariota, John Brown, Zach Ertz, JuJu, Pats D, Vinatieri
Not a terrible draft from a boat. Not a great draft by most other standards. The Zeke pick at #20 (and the McFadden handcuff) was a good one, and could be a league winner (emphasis on “could”). Except his receivers are so poor, he’ll struggle in the early weeks until Zeke comes back. That Shady-Zeke RB situation is scary, but nothing else is. The real shocking pick? JuJu Smith-Schuster. Oh right. That happened AFTER the manager disappeared into the sea.
Witten Zeddemore
Julio, Ajayi, Demaryius Targaryen, A-Rob, Catching Kelce, Bilal Powell (full name used because who is that?), Marty McBry, Howard, Tyrell Williams, Cooper Kupp, Famous Jameis, Big Ben, Janikowski, Ravens Big Black D, Hunter Henry
Stud WR1, darn good RB1, a reality show star, and some dude named Bilal. (Seriously, what’s a Bilal Powell?) This team isn’t fearsome, but it’s pretty good. Most of these guys are “safe” or designed to be backups, except Fat Seb.
Released Dix On Boobies
Freeman, Cooper, Olsen, Landry, Tim Brady MFers, Abdullah, Murray, Cobb, Monsieur Garcon, Dak, Mike Wallace , Johnathan Stewart, Justin Tucker, Texans D, Eric Ebron
Decent team. Greg Olsen is a reach in the third, but it’s hard to argue he’s not a safe player. Boobies (heh) leads the league in players with names that match former TV news show hosts (Wallace, Stewart).
Benjamin Sasholes
Evans, Lev Bell, Miller, Crabtree, Keenan Allen, Woodhead, Fitz, Perkins, Russell Wilson, D-Carr, Prosise, Ted Ginn, Jack Doyle, Seattle D, Butker
Another decent team, with a few wild cards in the back end that could pan out. Butker was our first every “write-in” for the draft board; which sounds right, because he might not even make the team.
Hardcore Sacks
Jordy, Hilton, Jeffrey, Mixon, AP, Jimmy Graham, Crowder, Fat Rob, Luck, Zay Jones, Jacquizz, DJ, Wentz, Vikings D, Dustin Hopkins
You see here the advantage of having a #1 overall pick stud RB as a 12th round keeper. This team is very good, even with Alshon’s brittle hamstrings, and Jimmy Graham’s lack of a knee. The Zay Jones pick lead me down a fun name rabbit hole (which you can find later). Hardcore leads the league in Redskins players.
Scrote Squad
Ed McCaffrey’s Kid, Cooks, Ingram, Golden Tate, Matty Ice, Doug Martin, Reed, T-West, Hulk Hogan, Blount, Rudolph, Stafford, Doug Baldwin, Matt Bryant, Panthers D
Let’s be honest: EVERYONE is surprised Scrote Squad was not the first to pick a kicker, AND that he waited until round 14. Perhaps the merciless teasing, and constant reminder “Hey, the kickers (stickers) are pink” has changed his strategy. Leads the league in white dudes.
Iron Ryan
Beckham, Fournette, Skittles, T-Pryor, Fat Kelvin, Brees, Moncrief, Walker, Riddick, Corey Coleman, Forte, Sterling Shepard, Tyrod, Dan Bailey, Giants D
Drafting two RBs who combined to play zero snaps in the NFL last year is a bold strategy, Cotton. But when you’re the reigning Worst, you have to make bold moves. A non-descript draft for what will probably end up being a mediocre team. Also: tried coming up with a joke about “Giant D”...but it’s really hard.
Sleeper Picks
AB, Gronk, Dalvin Cook, Montgomery, A-Aron, Snead, Upper Decker, Gore, Maclin, Duke Johnson, Theilen, Rivers, Cardinals D, Gostkowski, Austin Hooper
Couple sure things, couple long shots, and perhaps the top rated defense make this a pretty good team. Somehow, Frank Gore is still a thing, but about as sure as they come.
Grim Reaper
AJ Green, Michael Thomas, Hyde, Nuke Hopkins, Gillislee, Watkins, Sanders, Lacy, Cam Meredith, Captain Kirk, Eiferted, Crowell, Red Rocket, Chiefs D, Caleb Sturgis
I’ll tell you: there’s something to be said about having a draft strategy and sticking to it. Reaper did that out of necessity, but it yielded him a pretty decent team. He managed to get some players late (Lacy, Sanders) that others had passed on, and if they hit...look out.
The Jeff Fisher Effect
Gurley, Dez, Tyreek, Tevin Coleman, Stephon Diggity, Kareem Hunt, Marshall, Derrick Henry, Melly Gordon, Big Buns, Jeremy Hill, Corey Davis, Carson Palmer, Broncos D, Greg The Leg
Meh. It’s an OK team with some upside, but nothing really special. He’ll need some guys to hit to make a splash, but there isn’t a lot that will scare people. Leads the league in dreadlocked RBs, Rams players, and guys named Hill.
Fun with Names
When inputting draft results, I was struck by some interesting player names in this ESPN player universe. Below are some highlights:
- Remember at the draft when the call went up to “pick a dick”? Well, someone would have drafted Da’Rick Rogers (though apparently, he’s a WR in the CFL, he’s in the ESPN player universe)
- Also: Julio Jones real first name is Quintorris.
- I’m honestly not sure how someone didn’t draft Bills TE Busta Anderson (real first name: Rory).
- The Chargers have a handsome RB named Dreamius Smith.
- Derrick Coleman, the #! pick in the 1990 NBA Draft, apparently recently joined the Falcons as a reserve running back.
- I challenge you to pronounce this name: Seyi Ajirotutu (Eagles WR). From what I can gather on the pronunciation, it may be one of the highest ratios of letters to syllables ever.
- There are two players whose name is the same as a republic of China: Taiwan Jones (Bills RB) and Taywan Taylor (Titans WR).
- I bet you tried to say "Seyi Ajirotutu" out load, didn't you?
- If you thought Marcus Mariota was the only player in the NFL with a first name that starts “Marc” and a last name that starts “Mari”, you’d be wrong: Marc Mariani is currently a free agent, according to Wikipedia. But his most recent team was the Titans. Yup, The MarcMari’s were teammates.
The NFL season begins Thursday, September 7th with the Patriots vs. the Chiefs. Check your rosters, set some lineups, drop JuJu Smith-Schuster, and, as the Black Eyed Peas once told us in an edited version of a song, “Let’s get it started!”
