Week 3, or Shorter, but with GIFs

Week 3 expectation: the cream would continue to rise to the top, while whatever is not the cream (is that just milk?) would continue to sink.

Week 3 reality: well, we have a single 3-0 team, and then we have a muddled mess in the middle. Yes, it's Week 3, but I'm genuinely surprised we don't have an 0-3 team.

RECAPS!

Hamilton Rod and Gun tops Death Valley Driver in high scoring matchup, 165-134.5
Tough loss for DVD, who posted the third highest score of the week. HRG thanks the Miami Community College defense for 23 Amari Cooper points, and Philip Rivers for his patent refusal to throw to anyone but Keenan Allen. DVD thanks Drew Brees for getting injured so that the Saints had no alternative than to hand the ball to Alvin Kamara a million times.

Team Provost blasts Released Dix On Boobies, 138-81
Mike Evans had done nothing through two weeks. Nothing. And then Week 3....

It was like Jameis Winston was apologizing for all the times he didn't throw to Mike Evans. Like, ever in his career. Provost also has Tyler Lockett (and Russell Wilson) to thank for his near-Tidwell winning performance. Boobies had good weeks from an RB (Dalvin Cook) and a WR (Julio) but the partner to each scored a combined 7 points, which aided his downfall in this one.

Jeff Fisher Effect obliterates Hardcore Sacks, 121.5-92
It worked out (at least this week) for JFE trading for a QB. It's his highest QB score in at least two years, and about double his previous highest TWO QB week scores. He has garbage time to thank for Russell Wilson's performance. Also, Darren Waller who seemingly came out of nowhere, and also seems to benefit from the lack of AB in Oakland. Hardcore, meanwhile, had a reasonable day, but leaving Cooper Kupp's two-TD performance on the bench hurts. His team wasn't bad...just not good enough this week.

Pedro Pickles takes out Utah Falco 114-98.5
After Week 1, Falco looked like a wagon. Now, he looks a little more like the pickup truck that Shane Falco drove in The Replacements after the striking players rolled it over. He got the needed big week from Christian McCaffrey, but didn't have enough firepower to overcome Pickles' new toy, Mark Ingram (part of the aforementioned Russell Wilson to JFE trade). Also, Patrick Mahomes was Patrick Mahomes.

Hooked on a Thielen softens Iron Ryan, 109.5-83 

After two very large weeks, HOTA came down to Earth a little bit this week, posting the lowest winning score of the week. Lamar Jackson looked a mortal, but can still run like whoa. Teamwise, his scores were all clustered between 9 and 18.5 (kickers don't count). Iron Ryan is going to go about as far as Lev Bell and the Jets "offense" can carry him. Poor Lev now has TWO offenses he needs to carry. Calvin Ridley also melted Iron's chances on this day.

Money? Yeah, Money.
This week's Tidwell is our first repeat winner of the season: Hamilton Rod and Gun.

He's certainly looking like the most dominant team in the league through 3 weeks.


Sorry for the delay in this week's notes. Working on the road this week, and haven't had much time to sit and write. Perhaps Week 4 will be better.

Good luck in Week 4!

Except Ryan, who's playing The Commish.

Week 2, or The Second Week of the Season

After Week 2, we've got two 2-0 teams who look really good, a bunch of 1-1 teams, and then two teams that are 0-2 and are probably looking at their teams in opposite ways.

Team Provost (1-1) kills Death Valley Driver (1-1), 103.5-97
It's the second straight 103.5-point output for Team Provost, but this time it was enough to earn a victory. Saquon and Mark Andrews (Mark Andrews!) were his big time point getters. DVD, meanwhile, got 35(!) from the Patriots defense against the Dade County Community College Dolphins, a major advantage that was offset by a few very defensive games for his studs, and Matt Prater losing a point-and-a-half for him.

Released Dix On Boobies (1-1) smashes The Jeff Fisher Effect (0-2), 134-87.5
Normally, waiting for Odell Beckham to go on a Monday night would be met with a "Oh, I've got a shot." Instead, JFE barely watched Monday Night Football, knowing he'd need 70 points from Beckham to win. TO his "credit", OBJ did his best, posting 27 points. Boobies (heh) had 4 players score in the 20s, who would have beaten the entire starting squad for JFE.

Iron Ryan (2-0) sacks Hardcore Sacks (1-1), 113-78
This is one of those weeks for Hardcore to chalk up to bad luck. His starting QB gets hurt (also out for the season now) and almost every player on his bench would have been a better play than any starter, except playing a lineup like that would have given you heartburn. Iron Ryan, meanwhile, started the same lineup for the second straight week to the same victorious result.

Hooked On A Thielen (1-1) snacks on Pedro Pickles (0-2), 134.5-109
Both QBs in this matchup were the top scorers: the difference came in the other positions. Patrick Mahomes' 30 points were the high in this matchup, but the next 5 highest scores belonged to HOTA. And 20.5 of HOTA's points came from the top target of Mahomes in Travis Kelce.

Hamilton Rod and Gun (2-0) shoots Utah Falco (1-1), 105.5-76.5
Last week, Utah Falco was in the running for the Tidwell. This week, he put up the lowest score in the league, thanks in large part to Christian McCaffrey's 5 points this week (compared to 38 in Week 1). HRG didn't have a player break the 20 point plateau, but only had 3 players in single digits.

The Money Line
Hooked On A Thielen is this week's Tidwell Award winner, barely edging out Boobies (heh) but a half-point following the Monday Night game. Boobies (heh) got 0 points out of his Monday night player David Njoku, while HOTA got 17 from Nick Chubb. Even a single catch from Njoku would have split this pot.

Which reminds me: do we HAVE a procedure for a Tidwell if it's two equal scores? This is at least the second time we've only had a half-point spread at the top, and it seems only a matter of time until we have two equal scores up there. Thoughts?

Put Your Records On
I've been working on updating our League History page, along with our Best Ball stats and our yearly statistics. It's a lot of data entry, and I have less empty time to fill at work, so I apologize that they're getting updated a little slower than in previous seasons. But here are links to the Google Sheets where I track all those fun things:

STPS Complete League History

2019 Stats

Best Ball Sheet

What's in the Best Ball Sheet, Commish?
The Best Ball sheet has a tab for each week of the season. Within each week, I'll track:

1. the best score from the player's your drafted
2. the best score from the players on your roster for that week

For example, Hardcore Sacks dropped Vance McDonald after Week 1. Each week, I'll add McDonald's score into Hardcore's "Drafted Team Best Ball," but leave him off of the team for that week. I'll also show the Best Ball scenario of the guys you had on your roster that week, regardless of whether or not your drafted them.

Also, as part of that, I'll track the percentage of the highest scoring players you played that week. In Week 1, HRG played 100% of the players that would have given him his best score that week. By comparison, Utah Falco, Team Provost and Boobies (heh) played 66.7% of their "best" players.

And then, just for fun, I'll compile the Best Ball score of ALL the free agents we didn't have in our lineups that week. You can see that in Week 1, the free agent team scored 216 points! I'm interested to see if anyone manages to beat that team any week. Based on Week 1, I'd say it's a long shot.

Anyway....We're on to Week 3!

Week 1, or The Week Where Everyone Broke 100 Except One...

So Week 1 is in the books, and it could perhaps show us that there are some obvious haves, and obvious have-nots.

To the recaps!

Utah Falco rolls over Team Provost, 136.5-103.5
If you'd have told me the highest scoring player for UF would be Christian McCaffrey, I'd have believed it. If you told me Team Provost's highest scorers would be Marlon Mack and Mark Andrews, I'd have said you were nuts. But here we are. 

Hamilton Rod And Gun blasts Hooked on a Thielen, 173.5-111.5

After earning a mediocre draft grade, HRG handed the Commish a nice plate to crow to eat. His team put up the highest Week 1 score in league history, thanks to touchdowns from everyone in his lineup, save for JuJu and Stephen Gostkowski. Hooked on a Thielen had a pretty good week, but just happened to run up against a buzz saw. Of course, it's harder when your team's namesake catches 3 of the Vikings' 10 passes in an entire game. Hooked is hoping that doesn't continue.

Iron Ryan goes hard, breaks Pedro Pickles, 130.5-125.5
Sammy freakin' Watkins. While he's not going to do THAT most weeks, he's going to be more than useful for Pickles. Unfortunately, Pickles firepower wasn't enough to beat Iron Ryan. Lev Bell, Dak and the Titans D carried him to victory this week. We'll see if the 34 that Dak put up can be replicated against a team that actually plays defense (unlike the Giants). 

Hardcore Sacks drops Released Dix On Boobies, 136-104

I'm gonna be honest: I didn't think Josh Jacobs was going to do THAT against the Broncos. Though it's not hard to believe, since the Raiders don't have much in the way of talent. Austin Ekeler also had a big week for Hardcore. Boobies (heh) was kind of up and down, getting a good week out of Dalvin Cook (partly because his team didn't throw the ball, like, at all, and partly because he's a good player) and medium days the rest of the way around.

Death Valley Driver slips by The Jeff Fisher Effect, 101-97
When the person writing the notes is the person affected by the ending of that Texans-Saints game, it's easy to pay close attention. Deshaun Watson and Drew Brees put on a show at the end of the first Monday night game this week, with Watson doing just a little more than Brees at just the right time. The four points that separated DVD and JFE this week were basically earned in the last 37 seconds of that Monday night game. It was riveting to watch. 

Shake Your Money Maker
Hamilton Rod and Gun is our Tidwell winner this week, posting the league's highest ever Week 1 score (previous high was 166.5).


There's some new stuff I'll be tracking this year in our league history documents. First, as we discussed at the draft, I'll be tracking each team's "best ball" score using only the drafted players. As an added best ball bonus, I also plan to track best ball scores weekly, based on who is on your roster. And ideally, I'll run a percentage from that to see who played the highest percentage of their best players every week.

I'll post links to the League History, the 2019 stats sheet and the best ball tracking sheet in a subsequent post once they are completely updated.

On to week 2, where your commish is going to do his best to avoid an 0-2 start from his terrible assembly of talent.

Welcome to Season 6! of STPSFF

It's Season 6 of the Smarter Than Phil Simms Fantasy Football League. With this sixth season, our league now has more seasons than:

• Quantum Leap
• Ally McBeal
• The A-Team
• Breaking Bad

Every one of our seasons has started with a draft. What is a draft, you ask? (OK, you didn't ask just.... just....ok?)

Draft: (n) - a procedure whereby new or existing sports players are made available for selection or reselection by the teams in a league, usually with the earlier choices being given to the weaker teams.

Please note the use of the word "usually." Because it's fantasy football, and we like chaos, it doesn't really apply. Or does it? Perhaps the Commish draft grades will tell us.

See below for a complete breakdown on each team's draft picks. Each roster is listed underneath the team name, along with both grades bestowed by the PrimeTime Draft software (the one that factors in keepers, and the one that doesn't, in that order), along with the coveted Commish grade. OK, it's not coveted. In fact, it's downright worthless. Any draft grade means nothing, but it seems fun anyway.

In draft order, beginning with #1 overall:
Hardcore Sacks
D-Hop, A-Aron Jones, Josh Jacobs, Chris Godwin, Kupp, Dede Westside, Ekeler, Christian "Don't Call Me Cousins" Kirk, Vance McDonald, DJ (keeper), Rashaad Penny, Big Ben, Trubisky, Suck-Up, Iggles

PrimeTimeDraft grades: D, D+

Commish Grade: C

Kind of a rough draft (as in, the start of something that will need to be refined) for Hardcore. There's a LOT of unproven, but possibly exciting talent from this draft. The back-to-back QBs at the turn seemed very un-Hardcore-like, but if you believe in the home-road splits for Big Ben, it might turn out to be a good thing.

Iron Ryan

Lev Bell, The Whizzinator, Brady's BFF, George Kittle, D.J. Moore, Calvin Ridley, Iron Man's Brain, The Non-Criminal OJ (keeper), Kenyan "Worse Than the Rapper" Drake, Michael Gallup, Rolls Royce Freeman, Dak, Peyton Haircut, Rosas, Greek Gods

PrimeTimeDraft grades: D-, C 

Commish Grade: D+

I don't want his RBs. Or his receivers. Or his tight end. S. Plural. I know there was a tight end as a keeper, but man, drafting a second one thinking "Hey, I could use this guy as a flex was a bold move, Cotton, let's see how it works out for him.

Pedro Pickles

Michael "Not Mike" Thomas, Frost Bite Helmet Guy, Devonta, Julie Ertz's Husband, Tom Brady's Binkie, Sammy Watkins, Derrius Juice, Miles Sanders, Fuller, UMass Andy, Russell Wilson, Mahomes (keeper), Rams, Fairbairn, Tom Brady's Injured New Toy

PrimeTime Draft grades: A, A

Commish Grade: B-

The Zero-RB movement would love this team, because there are no RBs here. Lots of hope Freeman and Guice come back from injury, and James White repeats last year. He's also hoping Mahomes repeats last year.

Hamilton Rod And Gun

Zeke, Kel Allen, Amari Cooper, D-Henry, JuJu (keeper), Tevin, Duke, Evan Engram, Only Guy Sam Darnold Has To Throw To, Wentz, Zeke's Backup, Famous Jameis, The Defense That Was Good Two Years Ago, Gostkowski, Torn-up Lamar Miller

PrimeTime Draft grades: B, B+

Commish Grade: B-

Not an awful draft, but not a great one either, really. Tony Pollard could be rendered useless by the time you read this (or I finish writing it). Derrick Henry might not be any good at all. But he's got 3 good WRs. And also Amari Cooper.

Death Valley Driver

Dave Adams, Tyreek, Just A Guy Carson, D-Mont, Ty Asshole, Watson, Kamara (keeper), Sterling Silver, Devin "Not Related to Mike" Singletary, The Name No One Can Believe The Draft Voice Got Right, Austin Hooper, Heisman Kyler, Bills D, Gronk, Mike "We Don't Need To Stinkin'" Badgley

PrimeTime Draft grades: B, B

Commish Grade: B

To be clear, the Commish grade here is about as much a commentary on the speed of his picks than on how good his team is. He's a top-half of the league team right now for sure. I'd be worried about playing against his starting WRs and one of his RBs.

Team Provost

Saquon (keeper), Mike Evans, Sony, Russell Wilson's Only Target, Top RB for Andrew Luck's Former Team, Deep Threat for Dink & Dunk Matthew Stafford, Curtis Samuel, Latavius, Donte "Keep Hoping He's Good" Moncrief, Mark Andrews, Cam, Bears D, Mile Boykin, Robbie Gould, The Gunslinger With 9 Kids

PrimeTime Draft grades: C-, D+

Commish Grade: D+

He didn't draft from a boat, but his team will probably sink. Top 2 looks decent, the rest could be VERY scary. Though Curtis Samuel is an early dark horse for next year's keeper.

Hooked On A Thielen

Catching Kelce, Chubb, Lenny Fournette, Brandin "1000 yards" Cooks, Red Rocket's Only Guy Left, Phillip Lindsay, Corey Davis, A-Rod, Manny Sanders, Team Namesake (keeper), Jordan "Used To Be Good" Howard, L-Jax, Ravens D, Wil Lutz, Ty-Mont

PrimeTime Draft grades: B+, B+

Commish Grade: B+

Kelce in the first round seems high, but then his skill position starters look very above average. I'd be worried about Mr. Fournette, but if that's the question mark here, you're doing OK. Solid draft by Brooks.

Released Dix On Boobies

Julio, Dalvin Cook, Damien Williams, Ho-Tel Mo-Tel Golladay Inn, Mike Williams, A-Rob, Red Rocket's Security Blanket, James Conner (keeper), Prince Njoku, Baker, Geronimo, Kareem, Vikings, Justin Tucker, Conner's back-up

PrimeTime Draft grades: B, B

Commish Grade: B

There's a lot of hope here that Damien Williams is good, and LeSean McCoy doesn't take his job. And that the Browns offense is actually good. If AJ Green comes back healthy, he could be the steal of the draft.

The Jeff Fisher Effect

OBJ, Mixon, Stefon Diggity, Mark Ingram, Tarik, Josh Gordon, Melly (keeper), Hunter Henry, Brees, Pettis, Fitz, Breida, Chargers, Greg The Leg, Nyheim Hines

PrimeTime Draft grades: B, B+

Commish Grade: B

Possibly very solid up top, with potential for Melvin Gordon to rush in and save the day. As discussed during the draft, a weird draft by JFE's standards, but it looks alright.

Utah Falco

Gurley, Run CMC, Robert Woods, Alshon, Jared Cook, Shady, Tyrell Wellick, Chris Hogan?, I.T.O. Smith, Matty Ice, Delanie "Needs A" Walker, Goff, Saints, Butker (I Hardly Know Her), Mr. Irrelevant

PrimeTime Draft grades: C-, D

Commish Grade: D

His RBs could be good, if Gurley is healthy. His WRs look shaky. His TEs looks meh. There will be a lot of waiver wire work to get this team to the playoffs.

Thus endeth the recap.

Thus beginneth the season! Thursday night can't come soon enough Get your Packers and Bears in your lineups (I mean, if you want them), and enjoy some of this silly hobby we all enjoy.

And again, I want to say "thank you" to you guys in this league. There are so many horror stories of bad leagues and bad leaguemates. As a commissioner, I couldn't ask for a better group of owners who pay on time, set lineups every week, and interact with each other. I'm glad to have each of you.

Except, beginning now, you are all my sworn enemies!