Week 7, or Commish gets suspended

 So I absolutely, for no good reason at all, left out two teams last week. So, I thought to myself: what would Roger Goodell do?

Nah, just kidding. The reality is that Goodell would invite his best owner friends, Jerry and Bobby, and eat some more paste. But I decided that I should be suspended for such an egregious error, which is why this week's Notes are late. 

No, that's not it either. I've been watching Squid Game (a couple weeks too late, I've been told).

Anyway....I present this week's Notes, with all 10 teams being represented.

Utah Falco topples Released Dix On Boobies, 146-90, takes over first place

Do you know who the #1 seed in the AFC is right now? It's the Cincinnati Bengals. That's kind of like Falco being in first place too (h/t Hardcore Sacks). But hey, his team is good. (He's technically tied with Hardcore Sacks on record, and has a 4-point edge on the season). It seems a lock that he'll make his first playoff appearance ever. He had THREE different players score exactly 24 points this week and is the first player to have multiple Tidwell Awards this week. Boobies (heh) by contrast had no players even break the 20 point mark. His team is struggling, having lost three of his last four games.

The Jeff Fisher Effect ramrods Hamilton Rod and Gun, 140.5-73.5

Thursday night and D'Ernest Johnson set the tone, and then the Titans blew out the Chiefs and Derrick Henry somehow DIDN'T have a huge game. But let's be honest, the real reason you're all reading this section is because of the defense. The Jets defense put up (as you probably guessed) the lowest score in league history. It might not be as low as you'd have thought though: we've had a few other managers play defenses that posted a minus-9 score. They are:

• Hardcore (Vikings D) in 2020
• JFE himself (Saints D) and Boobies (heh) (Vikings D) in 2018
• I-Ry in 2014, in the Championship Game (remember when Provost Magic was a thing?)

There are also a handful of -8 scores in league history. JFE's defense, the Giants, posted 17 points, meaning a 28 point difference in the defenses in this matchup. It was NOT the largest difference in defenses, however. Just last year, Sycamore played the Ravens (25 points) and Pickles played the 49ers (-4 points) for a 29-point difference.

Team Provost goes big, wallops Bishop Sycamore Centurions, 140-102

Three TDs from Mike Evans, and Ja'Marr Chase's 201 yards receiving, along with Matthew Stafford's revenge game were too much for BSC. Sycamore's issue over the last three weeks (during which he has not recorded a win) has been his RBs. He started Devontae Booker and Chase Edmonds this week. Oh, and Hunter Renfrow. Some of the issue was the Bye-mageddon we just went through: the other part is injuries. He's kind of in trouble right now.

Pedro Pickles pops Death Valley Driver, 125.5-86

Pickles has been aggressive on the Waiver Wire the last two weeks (including this one) and it's paid off for him. The Khalil Herbert pick-up has paid off in spades, and Terry McLaurin had a big week this week. DVD just didn't have it this week. After breaking the century mark each of the previous three weeks, he couldn't get to 90 this week. His biggest issue? Josh Allen on bye, and Sam Darnold sucking so bad he got benched for P.J. Walker, who I'm sure isn't real and is a Madden create-a-player.

Hardcore Sacks sacks Iron Ryan, 123.5-70

Bye-mageddon hit these two clubs hard. The bloom came off the Chuba Hubbard rose, but Hardcore still has Matt Stafford's binkie in Cooper Kupp and Damien Harris, who plays for Bill "I don't give a rat's behind if I hurt the Jets feelings" Belichick. I-Ry? Well, he played two RBs from the SAME backfield.

It didn't.

Week 6, or the week before Week 7

Commish got a text message on Monday from Hardcore Sacks: "Man, I do not feel comfortable with my lead." (He was winning 145-96.5). He was right to not feel that comfortable. Mostly because Derrick Henry did Derrick Henry things for Hamilton Rod and Gun, going for 36 points, and nearly closing the gap on his own. What was basically the difference in the 145-138 final? The CeeDee Lamb game-winning TD in OT against the Patriots.

There's so much irony in that for these two managers. I love it.

Tough luck for HRG, who's the #1 scorer in the league but sitting at 3-3. But no one is feeling sorry for him: he's got Derrick Henry, who's the top RB by a literal mile so far this year. Interestingly enough, Hardcore is the #2 scorer in points for, and ALSO has the #2 points against. He's had more points scored AGAINST him, but he's sitting at 4-2.

That's nothing compared to the points against for Team Provost, who's #1 in that category. And this week, he lost to Death Valley Driver, who put up the second-most points (tied with HRG) on the week. I say that as if it means overall that Provost has been snake bitten, but he's scored the 8th fewest points. It is the second straight week he's lost to someone who scored over 130 points, but he hasn't exactly blown doors in those two weeks. In that Week 5 CenturyFest, Provost put up the lowest point total.

Speaking of blowing doors, The Jeff Fisher Effect has posted back-to-back weeks over 130 points. It didn't hurt this week that Pedro Pickles didn't put up much fight, partly thanks to his Heinicke-McLaurin stack not working at all, and Kareem Hunt (who's now headed to IR) getting injured. This was Pickles' lowest point output of the season, but somehow he has the lowest total points on the season.

And speaking of low point totals, holy cow Bishop Sycamore Centurions. After rolling through the first 4 weeks, and miraculously pulling out a Monday Night Miracle tie last week, his team put up the lowest point total in the league this season. (For context, Lamar Jackson last week scored 41 points, which is more than 70% of the point total of his ENTIRE TEAM this week). This week, Travis Kelce was the only starter that put up double figures. His team is injured, but maybe isn't as good as his 4-1-1 record might have you believe.

Oh, and Utah Falco who played B.S., is now 4-2, and looking pretty good. He's got good starters, decent depth, and might just be making his way to his first playoff berth. Ever. Like, in league history.

Looking through the projections (admittedly early in the week), it's going to be a weird one this week. With so many high powered teams and players on bye, some teams are bound to be playing some guys they wouldn't normally. So let's see what happens!

All that said, I leave you this week with my favorite new commercial:

Hehehe

Week 5 Notes, or what a comeback

 So I went to bed Monday night after watching the Red Sox walk off into the ALCS (where I so badly want them to beat the Cheat-stros) and thought our matchups were all pretty well in hand. Also, after Jonathan Taylor went 76 yards (and scored 14.5 points) to vault DVD to victory over me, I said "forget this" just as my namesake.

And then Lamar Jackson did Lamar Jackson things. Dude is a destroyer of worlds, and brought Bishop Sycamore back from the depths of his first loss and into....a TIE! Sycamore stays undefeated, but it's not quite the same.

The second half of Monday night's game launched some serious points into our league. As mentioned, Lamar's 41 points salvaged Sycamore's week, after he got a total of 1.5 points from Saquon and Chase Edmonds (Saquon because of injury and Chase Edmonds because of general suckiness). I-Ry could do nothing but be annoyed that Robert Woods decided to be a thing again.

The game also added 30.5 points to Boobies (heh) total, thanks to two TDs from Hollywood Brown. But it wasn't enough for Boobies (heh) to overcome HRG and Davante Adams and Antonio Brown. Oh, and Derrick Henry who basically kept Boobies (heh) from coming into the club.

All those points ALSO vaulted Utah Falco to his first Tidwell of the season. Basically, the Colts said "We don't need to cover Mark Andrews OR Hollywood Brown" and the points just started coming. 

The only matchup with no players on Monday night was Hardcore vs. Pickles. And that one basically was decided because the Browns defense alertly pushed Austin Ekeler INTO the end zone toward the end of that insane game to give themselves more time for themselves to score. 

.@AustinEkeler's IN ... with a little help from the Browns.

📺: #CLEvsLAC on CBS
📱: NFL app pic.twitter.com/rZKhcyt8vL

— NFL (@NFL) October 10, 2021

Just crazy. For real though, this is the first time IN LEAGUE HISTORY every team in our league has broken the 100 point barrier. What a week. 

So we're on to Week 6. We just had a crazy week in waivers....let's see how that translates into actual team production!

Week 4 Notes, or lots of 2s

 There are 10 team in our league. After Week 4, SEVEN of them are 2-2. And there were other seconds too.

Iron Ryan blows up, wallops Utah Falco 155-107.5

So, I-Ry messaged the Commish on Tuesday: "Hey, I won my first Tidwell!" Except it wasn't his first. It was his second. In his defense, his only other one came in 2019 (Week 11, 129.5 points), and it was pretty non-descript. So I don't blame him for not remembering. I do, however, blame Falco for not using his new toy. After the first trade of the year in the league (Falco got Cordarelle Patterson from The Effect for Jalen Hurts) and then didn't use him. Though, to be fair, the 20-25 points he'd have gained would only have made this less of a blowout. I bet he doesn't make that mistake again next week.

Bishop Sycamore keeps rolling, tops Hamilton Rod and Gun 108.5-99.5

It's hard to tell (I really need a better "database" so I can run queries and stuff) but this might be the biggest difference between the Tidwell winner and the second-highest score of the week. He might have a harder time now with David Montgomery slated to miss some time. I guess if Saquon keeps putting up weeks like that it may not matter. He's 4-0, and as previously mentioned, it looks like not many of the league can compete right now. HRG has a solid if unspectacular team. He might have some trouble when the bye weeks come around.

Death Valley Driver emerges, sacks Hardcore Sacks 107-88

So DVD's emergence also seemed to coincide with that of James Robinson. Urban Meyer apparently decided to use his best RB more, which is most certainly the best decision he made this weekend (and quite possibly his last good decision as head coach in Jacksonville). Hardcore got 49 of his 88 from Aaron Rodgers and Austin Ekeler, but not much of anything from anyone else. He's hoping CMC comes back soon.

Pedro Pickles topples Released Dix On Boobies 105-92.5

Most interesting thing I can see about this one is the defenses on Pickles' roster: he has two, and they combined for -9 points this week. Not that it mattered. Boobies (heh) defense scored 1 point. Boobies (heh) can basically go as far as Dalvin Cook can carry him: and if he's half-injured like this, it seems unlikely to go well.

The Jeff Fisher Effect tops Team Provost 98.5-86.5

As much as I had to say about the last matchup, I've basically got less to say about this one. Provost should have played Deebo, I guess. But not the Pats D. JFE is glad to have traded for Jalen Hurts, but still the rest of his team is "fine."

It's on to Week 5 now. Let's see if someone can beat Bishop Sycamore, if someone in the 2-2 group can go on a run, and if DVD can finally get over the 400 point mark.

(it's cringey because the guy writing this ALSO isn't over the 400 point mark....)