Week 3....well, *bleep*

 So the title works in multiple ways. Likely how Hamilton Rod and Gun, (who is 1-2, but one of three teams with over 400 points through 3 weeks) is feeling. His loss this week to Pedro Pickles probably left him doing something like this:

HRG is wondering when he gets to play someone who DOESN'T put up a lot of points; he's got the most points against this year, and it's not particularly close (45 more than anyone else). His 161.5 points in a loss is the most in league history, eclipsing the previous record of 159.5 set by Jeff Fisher Effect in 2018. I know that's how I looked the next morning so....

It also looks like this might be the year Provost Magic returns. He's 3-0,has the most points in the league, and his highest scoring player last week was James freaking Robinson (who was undrafted both out of college and in our fantasy league).

Pedro Pickles pulled out a victory on Monday night, posting the 5th highest score in league history. He had THREE players put up more than 30 points.

Hardcore Sucks (top-5 all-time name change) was lucky the Chargers were chasing on the scoreboard (for someone ungodly reason against the very bad Panthers) and Austin Ekeler put up a day. HOAT (bottom-5 non-name change) got concussed by Diontae Johnson getting concussed, or he might still have won.

Boobies (heh)? Well, he put a few guys in his lineup. Which seems to be about all you need to do to beat Iron Ryan these days. For the second straight year, he's in the bottom two in scoring (more on the guy atually at the bottom later).

HRG is pissed he didn't get to play Utah Falco this week. Falco and DVD combined for 166 points, which would have made for a closer matchup than HRG had against Pickles. Falco is effed without CMC. That 2-0 start looks like a mirage now.

I saved the worst for last though. The Jeff Fisher Effect can only HOPE to win a game this year with the utterly talentless roster (other than Russell Wilson) he's assembled. Honestly, I actually feel a bit like Jeff Fisher; you win a championship, think you're good, and then within 3 years, your team is shitty again and they're probably going to fire you. (Can you fire a fantasy manager?) Maybe I'll get lucky, and they'll replace me with someone as good looking as Sean McVay. (Kate can only hope.)

So we'll move on to Week 4. But not before I drop what might be the greatest GIF of all-time, courtesy of one Cameron Jerrell Newton.

I have to say: I admire his commitment to the bit. Sliding ALL the way to ground was a bold choice. You can bet I'll be using this one again.

Week 2 of 2020, or I'll take Injuries for $1000, please, Alex

Every owner this week as the injuries mounted up:

Saquon. Run CMC. Courtland Sutton. Davante Adams. Raheem Mostert (and basically anyone good on the 49ers).

It's going to be a fun week on waivers. And by fun, I mean, spending lots of money for players who won't do anything (see: Boobies (heh) last week).

Let's do some recaps, shall we?

Team Provost trounces Death Valley Driver, 157-113.5

A big part of the total for Team Provost, as he earns his first Tidwell award of the season, is Aaron Jones. The 44-spot Jones put up is the highest single player total for the young season. He certainly isn't going to skip over big games by Stefon Diggs and Nick Chubb. DVD was fine, but got bit by the Davante Adams injury. Josh Allen though.

Pedro Pickles routs Iron Ryan, 149-99

Alvin Kamara and Patrick Mahomes. With two top players like that, Pickles is in a good spot. And when he gets Kenny Golladay back? Look out. Julian Edelman seems to be continuing to be a favorite target of a Patriots QB, thus he is also fantasy relevant. I-Ry's major problem was the George Kittle injury last week. He had to start Jimmy Graham, who hasn't been good in, what, 5 years?

Utah Falco smacks Release Dix On Younghoe Boobies, 123.5-107

Utah Falco has NEVER started a season 2-0 before, but it could be a tough road to 3-0, thanks to the CMC injury. No bueno. Good news for Falco, CMC was around long enough to score two TDs. It was bad news for Boobies (heh) this week; he spent a total of $35 FAAB dollars on Sammy Watkins and Nyheim Hines who combined for a total of 2 points this week. And Watkins went down with an injury. Woof.

Hamilton Rod and Gun softens Hardcore Sacks, 118.5-95

HRG's strategy of Cowboys and Chiefs seems to be working: he's scoring a lot of points. So is Dak, who put nearly 40. He's not gonna get 3 rushing TDs every week but he'll take them this week. Hardcore now has to deal with being 0-2 AND losing the #1 pick in our draft, Saquon Barkley. And his best backup RB in Cam Akers is also injured.

Hooked on a Thielen escapes against Jeff Fisher Effect, 111.5-102

This matchup was separated by a half-point, with each team having a single player going on Monday Night. And then the Saints threw the ball to Emmanuel Sanders 3 times, yielding 1 catch, and JFE was done. The fact he even really had a shot was thanks to Russell Wilson and his 31 points. HOAT did just enough to win, thanks in part to Calvin Ridley's big day.

Shake Your MoneyMaker

Team Provost is this week's Tidwell winner, his first of the year, and fifth since the award was instituted in 2017.

The 2020 Season Begins!

Week 1 is in the books. And there's some panic, especially with a few of the injuries from the week. Let's do some recaps:

Hooked on a Thielen tops the week and Hamilton Rod & Gun, 141-122

HOAT (yeah, I'm not making the acronym mistake this year) took home the first Tidwell Award of the year, thanks partly to the hapless Panthers defense giving up 3 TDs to Josh Jacobs, and some garbage time for the Falcons and Calvin Ridley. It was a very good week for HRG; I mean, he scored the second most points in the league, but that's the way to cookie crumbles.

These might be the best two teams in the league, after Week 1.

Team Provost wins first Week 1 game since 2015, Boobies falls 118-97

Boobies (heh) changed his name, but it's too long to write here (even though I'm spending a lot of words on explaining why it's too long), and his team failed miserably to meet their projection. Some of that was injury (see: Thomas, Michael), but some was downright ineffectiveness (see: Wentz, Carson). For Provost, Mark Andrews made him look smart with two short TDs, and it does appear that (at least for a week) reports of Aaron Rodgers demise were greatly exaggerated.

Death Valley Driver begins title defense with 118-98 victory over Jeff Fisher Effect

It was the second straight year these two met in Week 1, and both times the result has been the same. DVD has a good week, JFE has a meh week. JFE is hoping it's more just an underperformance by his guys. He got bit by the injury bug (see: Bell, Le'Veon) but also the Mark Ingram WTF? bug. The major difference in this game was Davante Adams completely dismantling the Vikings secondary (35 points). DVD now has the major break of Marlon Mack's injury:

So that Jonathan Taylor upside that we figured would show up in, like, Week 8? Yeah, looks like it's coming sooner.

Utah Falco rides an NFC triumvirate, takes out Pedro Pickles 117.5-93

Christian McCaffrey picked up right where he left off last year, leading the scoring for UF again. But his DeAndre Hopkins and Chris Carson picks looked good for this first week too. It will be interesting to see what Falco does with the injury to Marlon Mack. Pickles, meanwhile, also got bit by the inujury bug (see: Conner, James), but also the 49ers defense sucked. He's hoping Kenny Golladay isn't out for more than the first week.

Iron Ryan smacks Hardcore Sacks in the face with David Johnson, wins 109-90

It's not like Hardcore could keep David Johnson this year, but after being burned by him the last two years, there's a good amount of irony in DJ's excellent first week for the Texans; dude looked good. I-Ry also has Zeke, so that doesn't hurt either. Hardcore put up the lowest score in the league this week, but won't make the mistake of playing the Vikings defense again. (minus-9 points? ouch!) In positive news, Adam Thielen managed two TDs and Rodrigo Blankenship scored positive points.

(This is what happens when you search "Rodrigo Blankenship" on giphy at 10pm on a Tuesday.)

Money Winner!

As previously mentioned, Hooked On A Thielen is the Tidwell winner this week. Bad news is: he won't be able to collect because his team is named after a player not on his roster.

(And before you come at me with the "But Boobie Dixon isn't on Crobi's roster!" business, let's remember: that Crobi doesn't WIN Tidwell's so....)

 

See ya for Week 2.

2020 Draft Order Announcement

Week 15, or A New League Record

For literally the fifth time in the five years of the Modern Era of STPS, the #1 seed fell in the semi-finals. This time, Hardcore Sacks -- the best record and the most points during the regular season -- fell victim to just about the most insane output we will EVER see in this league.

Death Valley Driver cruised in this one, his 206 points a new league record by FAR. There was literally nothing he could do wrong. I watched the first half of the Patriots game, and every time the scroll on CBS showed someone had scored a touchdown, it was one of DVD's players. It was just an unreal combination of good players in the right matchups at the right time. (I mean...FOUR touchdowns for Kenyan Drake? Seriously?) There was basically nothing Hardcore could have done.

The other semi-final went similarly, just not as crazily. Hooked On A Thielen had a good headstart from Lamar Jackson, and then big weeks from a few players. Which was nice because he also had crappy weeks from a few crappy players. Pedro Pickles fell somewhat victim to the Cowboys thorough dismantling of the Rams defense; losing 8 points from your defense is a tough way to win a fantasy matchup.

In the Loser Bowl, The Jeff Fisher Effect and Hamilton Rod and Gun will face off for the Loser Bowl "title", and the chance for the extra draft capital. Team Provost also won, and avoided the chance for a second straight The Worst title. He'll play Released Dix On Boobies in the meaningless Loser game.

The Worst Bowl this year falls between Iron Ryan and Utah Falco. I-Ry had a good run at the playoffs until his team actually showed that they're terrible. Utah Falco has the luck of the CMC on his roster, but no one else. It would be an appropriate way for either of these teams to end up as The Worst, and the honor of holding the "Back Half of Horse" trophy for the year. (Which means it can finally emerge from it's current resting place, hiding in the back of the Commish's closet.)

End of Season: The Gathering

So to this point, we're not confirmed on a date for the event. It looks like Saturday, January 4th might be our best bet, and in the evening. We'll confirm location once we've confirmed date. Provost, you coming?

Also for End of Season: The Gathering, think about any rule changes you might consider proposing. I have a few, and I know of a couple others that may be proposed. But take a thought. Not looking for wholesale changes, because I think we all love our league setup, but maybe a tweak or two could be worth instituting. 

Like some sort of reasonable punishment for being The Worst.

Good luck to our finalists this week. It should be an exciting end to a fun season of imaginary football.

Cheers!

Week 14, Or Playoff Preview

It took us 14 weeks to decide who would play in the playoffs, and we used every single one of them.

Hardcore Sacks is our top seed again this year. He scored the most points and had the most victoies (well, was tied) for. He's hoping the Top Seed Curse isn't actually a thing.

Pedro Pickles is our second seed, thanks to a 7-game winning streak, over which he averaged about 108 points per game. He's a solid second seed.

Hooked On A Thielen is our three-seed. He overcame a shaky midseason where he seemed to either put up a ton of points, or none at all. He's an equally solid 3-seed, which will make that semifinal match pretty intriguing.

Death Valley Driver is literally limping into the playoffs. He was 7-3, and looked in the (Death Valley?) driver's seat for the top seed. Then he lost four straight, and needed Hamilton Rod and Gun to face off against another Tidwell winner (sorry, Kevin) to get into the playoffs.

Playoff Preview
Probably the coolest thing about our playoffs this year is that the finals is guaranteed to be a matchup for one team vying for its second championship (Hardcore and DVD) versus one team vying for it's first (Hooked and Pickles). I will make no other commentary on my desires for who wins, as I am the Commish, and I need to remain neutral on these things.

Loser Bowl Preview
Our Loser's Bracket winds up with some lucky bastards too. I mean, how in God's name did The Jeff Fisher Effect manage to end up 7-7 and the 6th overall seed, and thus cannot be The Worst? Lucky breaks toward the end of the season pretty much. He won his last two games by a TOTAL of 3 points. The opposite applied to Released Dix On Boobies: he just needed to win in Week 14 to make the playoffs for the first time ever. And he just couldn't. Bad luck. Those two will face off in the first round of the Loser Bowl.

The Bottom Four teams are a combination of good and bad. The aforementioned HRG kinda got jobbed. He's the THIRD highest scoring team in the league, but fell on some hard luck toward the end. Yeah, he faced several Tidwell winners, but he didn't put up a ton of points in those games.

Team Provost is a mess. Utah Falco is a mess, other than Christian McCaffrey. Iron Ryan had his luck run out toward the end of the season. (or perhaps he transferred it to The Effect?)

End of Season: The Gathering
I feel like we should probably begin to schedule our end of season social. As we usually have the event on Wild Card Weekend in the NFL, we're looking at January 4 or 5. I vote for the 4th, since it's a Saturday and we'll have the time to recover before the work week. But perhaps Sunday would work better for guys. I shall start a poll in the GroupMe.

On to the playoffs! Good luck men!

Week 13, or The Clear As Mud Scenarios

Ho. Lee. Crap.

With the league standings as they sit, we're in for a wild Week 14.

Rank	Team	Wins	Losses	Points
1	Hardcore Sacks*	8	5	1481
2	Pedro Pickles*	8	5	1354
3	Hooked On A Thielen	7	6	1459.5
4	Death Valley Driver	7	6	1424.5
5	Released Dix On Boobies	7	6	1371.5
6	Hamilton Rod and Gun	6	7	1410

*Hardcore and Pickles have clinched playoff spots.


Here's the Week 14 schedule:
Hardcore vs. HRG
Pickles vs. Boobies (heh)
Hooked vs. DVD
Out of playoff team vs. another out of playoff team
A different out of playoff team vs. the fourth out of playoff team

The Game of the Week: easily the DVD/Hooked pairing. The winner will be 8-6 and clinch a playoff spot. The loser will need some help (more on that further on).

- Hardcore is in, and has the best shot at the top seed, with 21.5 points more than the second most. All that matters for him is seeding.

- The same is true of Pedro Pickles. With the schedule set up as it is, we could have a maximum of four teams that are 8-6, so he'd get in, even though he has the fewest points of the current top 6.

- We'll skip DVD/Hooked for now, other than to say "winner gets in."

- If Boobies (heh) wins, he's in. If he loses, he's likely out. He trails Hooked by 88 points, and DVD by 53. A Boobies (heh) loss puts him and whoever loses DVD/Hooked at 7-7,  (at least) 53 points is a lot to make up.

- In order for HRG to get in: he needs to win, Boobies (heh) to lose, AND make up the point differential between him and the loser of the DVD/Hooked matchup; he trails DVD by 14.5 points, but Hooked by 49.5. He'll be hoping for a Hooked victory there, and a big week from his team (read: The Cowboys offense).

- The winner of the DVD/Hooked matchup will be 8-6, and will get in.

- The loser of the DVD/Hooked matchup will need Boobies (heh) to lose. As discussed a little higher, DVD and Hooked have the second and third highest point total in the league, so they will likely win any tiebreaker.

- OK, I guess I'd be remiss to mention that Iron Ryan and Jeff Fisher Effect are "technically" still alive for a playoff spot. However, if I-Ry makes it to 7-7, he'd need to make up (at minimum) 90 points; JFE would have to make up 190 points. So, yeah, that ain't happening.

I think it's absolutely great that the teams fighting for playoff spots all play each other, and that the four bottom teams basically get to start the Loser Bowl early. No one gets an "easy road" to the playoffs.

So good luck in Week 14 guys! It's basically playoff time already!!