Championship Week, in which we crown a new (repeat) champion

On Monday night, Commish wondered how horrible it would feel for Team Provost if Stefon Diggs scored a 40 yard touchdown, during which he tweaked a hammy and the Bills decided to sit him the rest of the game because they're already in the playoffs.

Well, Diggs scored a 50 yard touchdown, and it was over. Congratulations to TEAM PROVOST on his second Smarter Than Phil Simms Fantasy Football Championship.

As it has often seemed in our league (and throughout most of fantasy football), the best team in the regular season has not won the title. I think we can say that wasn't the case here; Provost scored the most points in the regular season and he put up the most points on Championship Week. It was a pretty impressive year. His final overall record of 14-2 is the best record in league history, and he scored the most points we've ever had in a regular season.

Elsewhere, in the league....

It appears that Iron Ryan was a Week 15 gameday shower away from a league championship. Yes, there's some speculation here, but had he swapped out the injured Zeke and put in Tony Pollard (the highest projected RB on waivers) in Week 15, he'd have defeated the Provost Train and moved into the finals. And then, he scored more points this week than runner-up RTTM, and could be walking home with a title. Alas, it's not to be. But he won the third place game though, and the newly minted cash that goes with it.

We also had a nailbiter in the Worst Bowl. You guys saw the GroupMe when Hardcore Sacks asked for no stat correction, because he was winning by 1.5? Guess what?

THERE WAS A STAT CORRECTION!

Or maybe it was a point fix from some kind of audit (it's not listed under the "stat corrections" on ESPN), because that lead and apparent margin of victory is down to .5. Crazy!

Also, that this was the highest scoring matchup of the year was just peak-2020.

Our winner of the extra scratchers for the draft is Death Valley Driver, who rode Josh Allen and Davante Adams to victory over Utah Falco (who, strangely enough, won the extra scratchers last year).

Those extra scratchers will be provided by Pedro Pickles, who as he mentioned in the group chat, will now sink into a deep depression. He had some rotten luck this year, and really does not deserve to be The Worst, but that's the way the cookie crumbles. 

The deserving Worst is absolutely Jeff Fisher Effect. Though, he turned it on when it "mattered", breaking 100 points in consecutive games for the first time all year, and winning as many Pooper Bowl games as he did regular season games. He might have gotten a little lucky in that his opponent decided he was too good for a meaningless game, and started TWO players who were inactive on game day (CEH we knew from last week, DeVante Parker was a game day inactive). I'd like to figure out some sort of incentive for this game, just to keep everyone interested all the way down to the end.

So that's it: that's a wrap on the 2020 Smarter Than Phil Simms Fantasy Season. 

I'm behind on my stat updates, but you can believe I'll be finishing them up, and poring over them for stat nuggets for our End of Season: The Gathering.

Speaking of End of Season: The Gathering: We can do a Zoom call, similar to the draft, where we can also do our standard playoff pool, and I'll rattle off the aforementioned stat nuggets and stuff. I think then we can also plan an actual in-person The Gathering when the weather warms and we can all be outside.

In closing, once again, I say thank you. I hope you all enjoyed the fantasy season in STPS. I look forward to 2021.

For more reasons than that.

Week 16, Championship Week, Christmas Eve

Ben Roethlisberger and the Steelers.

Weren't they 11-0? You're not supposed to lose to the Cincinnati Bungles SO spectacularly. (Honestly, I was OK with it; the Steelers D laid an egg which helped me get into the Finals in another league.)

And that spectacular failure did NOT help Boobies (heh) in his first ever playoff appearance. Big Ben was bad, and JuJu was even worse. Bad JuJu. (Get it?) Those two got Boobies (heh) a combined 6 points, and he couldn't top Regress to the Mean, who advances to his second consecutive Super Bowl.

In the other semi-final....well, we had a manager who stopped paying attention. Zeke was declared out about an hour before kick-off and I-Ry didn't take him out of his lineup. Substitute in the other Cowboys RB for the week, and I-Ry takes the victory. Instead, he took a 0 and an L. Tough way to go out.

So it's Team Provost vs. Regress to the Mean for the Title. At least they don't have to agonize over it with four straight days of football.

In the Pooper Bowl, it's Falco and DVD playing for next year's extra scratchers. Falco took out Hardcore with a Tidwellian performance (which doesn't technically count as a Tidwell), and DVD won a pillow fight with HRG. But hey, a win's a win, and Falco and DVD are each hoping for one more to potentially improve their draft stock for next year.

This year's Worst Bowl features Pickles and Hardcore. Pickles fell to JFE, which triggered some ribbing in the GroupMe. It's kind of both managers season in microcosm: JFE putting up a mediocre number of points most weeks, and Pickles either booming or busting. He busted, and JFE avoids the Worst Bowl, and advances to the only matchup on the year that doesn't mean a damn thing.

So we've come to the end of another year. Perhaps we'll be able to gather in person for the year-end festivities, but likely not. We may have to do another Zoom session, and hopefully we'll be able to gather in person for the draft and other frivolity next season.

I mentioned it on Thanksgiving, but I'll say it again here at Christmas: Thank you. Thank you for another great season of Smarter Than Phil Simms Fantasy Football. I hope this season has been a little bit of a distraction for you in an otherwise trying time. I hope you enjoyed another year of bad beats, and deez Notes, and watching football.

Merry Christmas to you and yours!

Week 14, or The Anti-Climax

With only one playoff spot up for grabs in Week 14, it didn't figure to be that exciting. But it could have been MORE exciting. I-Ry took care of business, but kind of limped into the playoffs with a win over The Effect (who, it's worth repeating, is JUST AWFUL).

DVD had a shot at the final spot (which went away when I-Ry won) but flopped when it mattered. To be fair, his opponent scored the second most points in the league this week, so it would have been super tough to beat him anyway, but he was 1 of 3 teams that failed to top the Century Threshold.

So now we head into the Playoffs and Pooper Bowl. Week 15! Get your popcorn ready...

Playoff Previews

#1 Team Provost (12-2) vs. #4 Iron Ryan (9-5)

Team Provost looks like the favorite this year; he's 12-2 and has the most points in the league by over 100 (272 points more than his opponent in the first round). By points, he has the QB3, the RB4 and 5, the WR 4 and 6....AND Nick Chubb. I-Ry needs a big week from his people, and some luck.

#2 Regress to the Mean (9-5) vs. #3 Released Dix On Boobies (9-5)

RTTM had the second most points in the league this year (though he needed a Tidwellian effort in Week 14 to get there; poor Pedro Pickles) and looks like he could challenge Provost. But certainly don't count out Boobies (heh) who has major upside potential in AJ Brown and Dalvin Cook.

Pooper Bowl Previews

#5 Hamilton Rod and Gun (7-7) vs. #6 Death Valley Driver (7-7)

The question here: which HRG shows up? Or really, does he get big games from Derrick Henry and Tyreek Hill? If he does, he's really hard to beat. Though DVD has Davante so...

Neither of these guys is too worried. They are not in the running for The Worst.

#7 Utah Falco (6-8) vs. #8 Hardcore Sucks (5-9)

Hardcore has been on something of a role since Austin Ekeler has returned. And DeShaun Watson has been better than the beginning of the year. And the Colts decided to give the ball to Jonathan Taylor last week. Falco was hoping to have CMC back, but that's not to be. Loser moves on with a shot to be the Worst. Winner can earn extra scratcher for the draft next year.

#9 Pedro Pickles (4-10) vs. #10 The Jeff Fisher Effect (2-12)

HAHAHA. Who are we kidding here? It's Pickles. He's gonna win. The Effect is dreadful. Just god awful.

Other Random Thoughts

How have you guys not suggested that we call it the Pooper Bowl before? It's a great name, and I'm sad I never thought of it. I saw it on a Reddit board and decided it needed to be the name for us immediately. And so....it is.

What do you guys plan to do on Sunday during the fantasy semi-finals?

Week 13, or Sowing the Playoff Seeds

 It looked, going into Week 13, that HRG had a very legitimate shot at a playoff spot. His point totals were there, he was coming off a huge week with Tyreek and Derrick Henry going bonkers...

And then he GroupMe'd everyone requesting no Notes this week.

Which, of course, meant, he put up a score (70) that Tyreek and Henry beat the previous week (91.5).

It's a score that you could have COMBINED with I-Ry's (65) and STILL not beaten his opponent.

Let it not have been said that Boobies (heh) failed to step up. He has secured his first EVER playoff berth.

Who didn't step up last week? Well that was I-Ry. His loss and 65 points put him in a position where he could miss the playoffs! Lucky for him he's facing the hapless (and I mean HAPLESS) Effect this week.

Our top 3 teams are in, and are just playing for seed. Provost is the #1 seed. RTTM and Boobies (heh) have equal records, and if they come out of this week with equal records (either both winning or both losing) the points will make the difference; RTTM currently holds a 16 point edge. If one wins and the other loses, the winner will take the #2 seed.

The 4th spot is still up for grabs. I-Ry is in the best spot; beat the Effect and he's in. But...

DVD still has an outside change. He needs:

1.  a win over HRG
2. an I-Ry loss AND 
3. to maintain his 9.5 point lead over I-Ry

So it's possible. Just seems...

Everyone else is just playing for seeding in the Loser Bowl. The Effect has locked up the "top" seed there, and is the odds on favorite to end up as The Worst. It seems everyone else is trending up, and he's....not. Trust me....he stinks.

For real. Bad. 

I'll offer previews for the playoff and non-playoffs next week. For just enjoy the last week of the regular season. It only means anything for, like, two people.

Week 12, or a Week 13 Preview

 So that was probably the weirdest week of NFL/Fantasy Football that there's ever been. And if it weren't 2020, I would say that ever will be. But based on how the NFL is dealing with COVID-19, it seems VERY possible that we'll top how weird that was.

No one really needs recaps from last week. The anticipated I-Ry v. Boobies (heh) matchup wound up being a pillow fight compared to the HRG v. Pickles showdown. But HRG (thanks to Tyreek and Derrick Henry) did what he needed to do to win. Pickles is eliminated from the playoffs.

I-Ry's win keeps him in the third spot (both he and RTTM are 8-4, but RTTM has more points). Boobies (heh) is still in the 4th spot, but that's not where he wanted to be.

Not when this week he gets HRG, who's in 5th and wants that final playoff spot. This one is the Game of the Week (NBC called me about flexing it to Sunday night). A win over Boobies (heh) this week will push HRG into that final spot with one game to go, thanks to his point total. In Week 14, HRG gets DVD.

Provost topped the Effect, sending him to 10-2. He was locked into the playoffs anyway. RTTM couldn't beat Hardcore, but he's still strongly in a playoff spot. His points will likely get him in, even if he loses out. Provost and RTTM play each other this week in a possible finals preview.

A HRG win over Boobies (heh) this week moves HRG to 4th and in, and drops Boobies to 5th and out. Should that happen, they both have Week 14 matchups with opponents not in the playoffs.

RTTM has more points than I-Ry by 36.5, so he's likely to stay ahead, even if they both have the same outcome. 

DVD can still get in, but his road is quite a bit tougher. He needs to win out (against I-Ry and HRG). He ALSO needs I-Ry to lose in Week 14 (to The Effect) AND make up the current 30-point differential on I-Ry. He's not concerned about the point differential if Boobies (heh) loses out (to HRG and Hardcore) but he'd have 35 points to make up if they end up with the same 8-6 record.

The real kick in the crotch is for Pickles, who's 4-8 and has the third most points scored. He's going to miss the playoffs, but has a real shot to win the Loser Bowl and get the extra scratcher boost next year. His problem has been consistency. He's either in the 120s or higher (except last week at 110), or down in the 80s or lower. It's a weird year (as if I haven't said that enough already).

Hardcore, Falco and The Effect are basically hoping for just enough to avoid being the Worst. Because it's gonna be one of these three (probably The Effect).

Let's see what happens in Week 13! Gonna be fun!

Week 11, or the Pre-Thanksgiving edition

 We're coming up on Thanksgiving, and I can't remember a week this early in the season where the playoffs seemed to have so little drama.

By "little drama," I mean the 8 teams not in a playoff spot having losing records, and the closest is 2 games out of a playoff spot with 3 games to go. It doesn't look good.

The 4 teams in the playoffs (Team Provost, Regress to the Mean, Released Dix On Boobies, and Iron Ryan) are all 7-4 or better, and look to basically be jockeying for position.

League-wide Recap

Team Provost maintained his stranglehold on the league. He has the most points scored, and the fewest points against. He won himself another Tidwell this week, partly thanks to the LA WRs (Keenan Allen and Cooper Kupp). Literally no one in his starting lineup scored less than 10 points. 

Taysom Hill being eligible at TE was certainly a help for Released Dix On Boobies this week, though any advantage there is going away. Boobies (heh) looks like a very good shot for his first EVER playoff berth with Michael Thomas coming back, Dalvin being Dalvin and A.J. Brown doing stuff like this:

There's some argument to be made that Regress to the Mean lucked out this week playing the rotting husk that is Jeff Fisher Effect. But hey, a win is a win, and he's got a good team. He's got a legit shot at his first league title.

The Browns defense led the scoring for Iron Ryan, who's in position for his first playoff berth since the inaugural year of STPS. Kyler and DK could carry him to the playoffs.

That's the top 4-sitting-pretty-in-a-playoff-spot group.

Then sitting at 5-6, you've got Hamilton Rod and Gun, Death Valley Driver and Utah Falco (only one of whom managed a win this week). We'll look at the importance of the Week 12 matchups coming up.

Pedro Pickles is still on life support, but needs the Eagles offense to not completely suck and Travis Fulgham to be relevant. Fulgham was HUGE early in the season, but he's caught only two more passes than your Commissioner the last two weeks. Pickles's team is better than his 4-7 record, so it's still possible for him to make a run. But he's got a lot of work to do.

Oh yeah: Hardcore Sucks and The Jeff Fisher Effect are in the league too. Hardcore put up some points this week after 3 straight weeks of malodorous scores. The Effect just sucks. 

Tidwell Time

It was Provost. Provost won the Tidwell.

Week 12 Matchups

This week has some interesting implications for the playoffs. The top 2 teams (Provost and RTTM) face off against the bottom 2 teams (Hardcore and The Effect). So, there's a real chance for the rich to get richer here.

Boobies (heh) and I-Ry face off, basically jockeying for the 3 seed. One of them will be 8-4 and virtually assure themselves of a playoff spot; the other will be 7-5, and still be the 4th seed (at least for now).

Our current 5 seed HRG takes on Pedro Pickles. An HRG win likely keeps him in the 5-spot going into a Week 13 matchup with Boobies (heh), and eliminates Pickles. Pickles basically needs to win out to have a shot. He's got the second most points in the league (though that's partly influenced by having 3 of the top 6 scoring weeks, including the highest score; he's also got 4 scores in the 80s).

The matchup of the week has to be DVD vs. Utah Falco. Both are 5-6; basically, winner keeps their slim playoff hopes alive (their point totals don't help them in any tiebreaker scenarios) and the loser hopes to avoid being The Worst.

Playoff Picture

Team Provost has locked up a playoff spot. A win for RTTM this week (or really any week until the end of the year) would lock him in as well. So we won't talk much about them.

The Boobies (heh) vs. I-Ry match is important for seeding. The winner vastly improves their chances at making the playoffs, while the loser is still in, but will need to win in either Week 13 or 14.

The 5-6 teams have a shot, but need some help. Here's how to looks for them (with their next 3 opponents):

• Hamilton Rod and Gun (Pickles, Boobies (heh), DVD)
• DVD (Falco, I-Ry, HRG)
• Falco (DVD, The Effect, Provost)

That Week 14 game between HRG and DVD could be big if I-Ry or Boobies (heh) falters. But that's looking waaaay ahead.

Pickles needs to win out, and either I-Ry or Boobies (heh) to lose out. That's his Obi-Wan Kenobi.

According to theffhub.com, a site I found on Reddit, our playoff positions are basically set. The site calculates odds "from the history of each team's scores this year. It does not take projections or byes into account. It uses that data to run 10,000 monte carlo simulations of each matchup given a team's average score and standard deviation."

So what are the odds of team's making the playoffs?

• Team Provost - 100%
• RTTM - 99.8%
• I-RY - 90.55%
• Boobies (heh) - 86.07%
• HRG - 18.75%
• DVD - 2.77%
• Pickles - 1.77%
• Falco - 0.27%

I left Hardcore and The Effect out: they have no chance. Literally. In fact, The Effect has a 65% chance of finishing in last place.

The Part Where Commish is Thankful

I think I say this every year around this time, but I truly am thankful for this league. Perhaps this year more than usual. Sure, my team stinks. But this league is fun. In a year where we're all spending more time at home, I've been more grateful than ever to have fantasy football to look forward to. You guys make it fun. Other Commish's would kill to have a league like we've got, so thank you.

Don't forget there are Thursday games this week. I'll be rooting for the Lions, like I do every Thanksgiving. For no reason other than they always play on Thanksgiving. (yeah, the Cowboys do too, but....no thanks.)

Bonus points to anyone who posts a video in the GroupMe of them eating a turkey leg like my man Cameron Jordan here:

See you next week!

Week 10, or "That's Not What You Want"

 Well, it certainly wasn't what some teams wanted. For the most part, the rich got richer, and the middle class stayed middle class. I guess it's a lot like America.

RECAPS!

Utah Falco keeps hopes alive, pops Pedro Pickles 115.5-83

Falco was teased by CMC coming back, and then getting injured again, but it didn't matter against Pickles this week. Neither did it matter that he started Chris Carson (who didn't play this week) in his flex spot. Pickles was partly victimized by Drew Brees' rib injury, but also got basically nothing from Travis Fulgham, and literally less than nothing from the Washington Football Team defense. It's his second straight week playing the Tidwell winner, but it's not like he's lit the world on fire either time.

Team Provost destroys Released Dix On Boobies, 114.5-65.5

I actually toyed with this headline: Team Provost starts his bench, beats Released Dix On Boobies 68.5-65.5. Because yeah, that would have been true. It started on Thursday night for Boobies (heh) with a bad performance from AJ Brown, and then Provost was basically as steady as he's been all year. I don't think he should expect that kind of performance from his bench depth pieces, but his starters are good.

Regress to the Mean has a bye week, beats Hamilton Rod & Gun 109-58.5

Actual text message exchange between HRG and The Commish on Sunday night:

I mean, we kinda knew this week was looming for HRG: he drafted all Cowboys and Chiefs, and they were both on bye this week. HRG tried to ride the Curtis Samuel train, but Samuel remembered he's a great athlete not a great football player, and Russell Wilson seems to have forgotten how to play quarterback. RTTM had Josh Jacobs, and Diontae Johnson, which was almost all he needed. Nice to see he didn't play down to the level of his competition.

Death Valley Driver delivers The Jeff Fisher Effect a loss, 107.5-89.5

DVD didn't need a monster week from Davante Adams this week and he's glad to have Miles Sanders back. It was a pretty unremarkable 107 points from DVD, though Adam Thielen helped him to that on Monday night with 2 TDs. JFE's second best scorer was his kicker, so that's rarely good. He got killed in the RB department, thanks to Gio Bernard (against the Steelers) and JK Dobbins. JFE is DOA.

Iron Ryan holds strong, hacks Hardcore Sucks 105-68.5

Kyler Murray and Antonio Gibson took I-Ry to the win this week. It wasn't DK Metcalf (thanks to the aforementioned Russell Wilson disappearing act). Hardcore Sucks does just that. He made some tough choices this week too, leaving Mike Evans and Justin Jefferson and their double digit point outputs on his bench.

Let's Talk Money

Utah Falco won his first of the season, and only his third Tidwell of all-time. 

 Playoff Picture and Week 11 Matchups

Here's who's in the playoffs as of right now, with their Week 11 opponent:

1. Team Provost (DVD)
2. Regress to the Mean (JFE)
3. Iron Ryan (Pickles)
4. Released Dix On Boobies (Falco)

We have the weird quirk in our standings where our #2 and #3 scoring teams are 4-6 and TWO games out of a playoff spot. If either of them gets hot, they could find themselves in the playoffs. 

HRG is #3 in scoring (despite his dismal output this week) and draws Hardcore this week. HRG and Hardcore are 7-7-1 all-time against each other (their tie was benching all their players in a third place playoff game).

DVD does NOT have history on his side in his attempt to get into the playoffs. He's 3-8 all-time against Team Provost. Working in DVD's favor is that he has Provost's QB's favorite target in Davante Adams. Working against DVD is having Josh Allen on bye.

RTTM is 9-2 all-time against JFE. Also, JFE's team is garbage.

Pedro Pickles needs a win, just as HRG does, to stay in the hunt. He's 8-3 all-time against I-Ry. 

Boobies (heh) and Falco have split their all-time series at 7-7. Falco needs the win more, as he hopes he can keep winning until CMC comes back. If he does, he could make some noise in the playoffs.

Good luck in Week 11!

Week 9, or Separation Anxiety

Things are separating at the top a little bit. The Top 4 teams are the top 4 teams by record; no one could say "I have the same record, but missed the playoffs on a tiebreaker." You know what that also means? Only 4 teams in our league are over .500. 

Should we do recaps? 

RECAPS!

Team Provost pops Pedro Pickles, 137-95.5

Provost improves to 7-2, and hands Pickles a loss he really wanted to avoid. Provost had 20 point weeks from Aaron Rodgers, Keenan Allen and Will Fuller to lead him to the Tidwell. There really was nothing Pickles could do this week, with bye weeks for Kareem Hunt and Travis Fulgham, and a Kenny Golladay injury. He's not out of it, by any stretch.

Interesting note: when Pedro Pickles breaks 100 points this year, he breaks 100 points. In the 5 games he's broken 100, he's had 149, 181, 125, 151.5 and 126 points. When he doesn't break 100, he's got 93, 89.5, 82.5 and 95.5. That 98.5 point difference between top score and bottom score is the most in the league this year.

Released Dix On Boobies tops The Jeff Fisher Effect, 135-108

It's now FIVE straight wins for Boobies (heh) who, until this year, had never won more than three in a row. He's tied for second, and I think is pretty happy Dalvin Cook is back. Honestly, his team looks good, especially now that Michael Thomas is back. Meanwhile, it's just not The Effect's year. His team his OK (I guess, which is easy for me to say) but he's not catching any breaks, and has no RBs. 

Regress To The Mean drops Death Valley Driver, 109-99

RTTM did just enough to get it done here, which is made somewhat more impressive by his opponent who started Josh Allen (32.5 points) and Davante Adams (29 points). Lucky for RTTM, DVD had basically nothing otherwise. He mentioned it in the GroupMe, but it looks like DVD's hopes of a three-peat are a pipe dream now.

Iron Ryan chops Hamilton Rod and Gun, 104.5-101.5

I-Ry was able to overcome David Johnson's early concussion, thanks in large part to Kyler Murray's 37.5 points. DK Metcalf didn't hurt him either. HRG can thank Tyreek for keeping him in it, and the Jets D for injuring Damien Harris and holding him to 7 points on Monday night. Going into the Monday Night game, I-Ry was up 104.5-94.5, and Harris had a projection of 9.9 points.

Utah Falco stops Hardcore Sucks, 81.5-76.5

Remember the end of last week's Notes, when I mentioned this game and then said "Eh, who cares?" Yeah, the sentiment is the same now.

Money Makes The Heart Grow Fonder?

Team Provost earned his second Tidwell is the year, and 6th all-time.

Looking Ahead to Week 10

• Team Provost is 8-4 all-time against Boobies (heh). This is one is probably the matchup of the week. 
• RTTM is 8-5 all-time against HRG, who needs a win to keep pace for the playoffs.
• Utah Falco is over .500 all time (7-6) against Pickles. These two teams also have the same 4-5 records this season, but are headed in COMPLETELY opposite directions.
• DVD owns a 6-5 record all-time against The Effect. Because it makes me feel better, remember they met in the championship game in consecutive years.
• Hardcore leads the all-time series with I-Ry 6-4. I-Ry is sitting in the 4th playoff spot right now, and would like to win to stay involved. I-Ry's last 3 weeks: won by 3, lost by 4, won by 3.

Starting in Week 11, I'll start analyzing rest of season stuff, and how important some of the matchups are going forward. It's about the only thing I can do to make myself feel good about this league. Other than buy some more swag with our logo on it.

How I Feel About My Fantasy Season This Year

Week 8, or The Season Continues

 The cream is rising to the top. Or is that just a mirage? We're a little over halfway through the season and the good teams are starting to get on a roll.

Pedro Pickles rolls Jeff Fisher Effect, 126-86

This is what I mean about Pickles. His team is waaay better than his now .500 record. He's played the waiver wire well, and made the right call to sit Kenny Golladay this week, who wound up getting injured. That's insight you can't teach. He posted the highest score of the week, so I can't even make fun of the hapless Effect for this one (though JFE would have beaten 3 other teams this week).

Released Dix On Boobies keeps rolling, wallops Death Valley Driver, 115.5-82

Boobies (heh) is currently sitting in a playoff spot. He was pretty lucky the last two weeks, but this week he got Dalvin Cook back and if you watched any football on Sunday, you know how that went. If Michael Thomas comes back and is healthy, we might be looking at Boobies (heh) first EVER playoff berth. DVD is in trouble, and hoping the Antonio Brown signing will work in his favor.

Hamilton Rod and Gun takes out Utah Falco, 107-73.5

HRG managed to weather Amari Cooper and AJ Green giving him a combined 2.5 points, partly because he was playing the low-scoring factory that is Utah Falco. Falco has the fewest points in the league, and is hoping like hell that McCaffrey comes back and helps him play spoiler. I mean, that's about all he has left to play for.

Team Provost stays on top, defeats Hardcore Sucks, 100-60

Hardcore sucked this week. Gio Bernard literally scored 1/3 of his points, and was his only player in double figures. Also, it appears Rodrigo Blankenship forgot how to kick during Indy's bye week. I keep looking at Provost's team and thinking "they're not that good" but he keeps winning, and he's been missing Aaron Jones and Nick Chubb. He's got to be on the short list of possible league winners.

Regress to the Mean is mean to Iron Ryan, wins 97.5-93.5

These two were tied going into Monday night. And Ronald Jones scored 4 points. I'd say RTTM was lucky to get Travis Kelce and his 21 points, but the whole reason I-Ry was even in this game was DeeKay Metcalf. (that's how it's spelled, right?) I-Ry kinda had a bye week this week, with 4 players on bye, including his usual starting QB, and a starting RB. RTTM might have been lucky to escape with the win, but a win is a win so....

Money Time!

Pedro Pickles won his second straight Tidwell this week, with the lowest Tidwell winning score this season. He has both the highest and lowest Tidwell scores on the year.

Playoff Update

Thanks to his league-leading point total, Pickles currently occupies the 4th playoff spot, topping the other 4-4 teams. Boobies (heh) has ridden that 4-game winning streak into the 3rd spot, only points behind #2 RTTM. As mentioned, Boobies (heh) could really use Michael Thomas to come back and help him score some points. Wins are what get you into the playoffs, but points are what win it for you. Because I can't not mention it, Provost is #1.

Loser Bowl Update

They all suck. Except HRG and I-Ry. Both of them still have a shot at the playoffs. DVD might have a shot, but will need some help. Hardcore, Falco and the Effect are done. They're just playing to NOT be The Worst.

Week 9 Matchups & Head-to-Head

• The Effect vs. Boobies (heh). The Effect has won 9 matchups, while Boobies (heh) has won 5. Can Boobies (heh) keep the win streak going?
• Pickles is 6-3 all-time vs. Team Provost. The top team in the league vs. the best team in the league.
• RTTM and DVD have split their 14 meetings right down the middle at 7-7. Someone will have more wins than the other one (most likely).
• HRG has 8 wins against only 3 losses all-time against I-Ry. Both want the win to improve their playoff chances.
• Hardcore is 9-2 all-time vs. Utah Falco. Eh, who cares.

Week 7, or the Midpoint

We've got a big time logjam in the middle of our standings (which are actually a perfect palindrome), and one could say that no team is actually out of it. But whoever the "one" is that's saying that isn't looking at the completely craptastic roster of The Jeff Fisher Effect.

RECAPS!

Pedro Pickles (3-4) blasts Death Valley Driver (4-3), 151.5-109

It started out looking good for DVD with Davante Adams and his 180-some yards and 2 TDs. Then Tyler Lockett and his 200 yards receiving and 3 TDs happened on Sunday night. The real difference was the homerism showed by DVD: The Giants D did NOT dominate the Eagles and the Giants K also didn't do much. Pickles is better than his 3-4 record. DVD might not be as good as his 4-3 record.

Iron Ryan (4-3) continues winning streak, tops Utah Falco(3-4), 123.5-120.5

It's too tough to go back and find out for sure, but this might be the highest scoring combined QB output we've ever had, with both Kyler Murray (I-Ry) and Tom Brady (Falco) each gathering 36 points. The real difference in this one was Antonio Gibson against the Cowboys. So what have we learned from this? Start your offensive players against the just god awful Cowboys D. They stink.

Team Provost (5-2) stays on top following a win over Hamilton Rod and Gun (3-4), 118-105

This one was basically all Aaron Rodgers and James Robinson for Team Provost. And also that HRG started Jerick McKinnon, who played 12 total snaps and netted a donut in points. To be fair, had HRG played any other flex option on his roster, he still wouldn't have won so...

The Jeff Fisher Effect (2-5) sacks Hardcore Sucks (3-4), 110.5-105

It was a bye week for the RBs on both squads here. As in, Hardcore had to wheel and deal just to have any RBs to start (they ended up scoring 32 total points) and the backs that JFE started apparently took the week off (his backs combined for 9.5). Then there was Justin Herbert and his 36.5 points, that basically made up the difference in this contest.

Released Dix On Boobies (4-3) keeps rolling, defeats Regress to the Mean (4-3), 92.5-83

It's a 3 game winning streak for Boobies (heh) but I know one thing: the last two weeks have been pretty lucky. But hey, a win is a win, and from the guy who scored the fewest points in the league last year and finished .500, who am I to judge? But yeah...he's been lucky. AJ Brown scored 26 of his 92.5 points, and the Pats D lost him a point. Not great.

Money Time

Pedro Pickles won his second Tidwell on the season, only his third all-time.

Playoff Outlook

If the season ended today, Provost, RTTM, DVD and I-Ry would be the playoff teams. But that leaves the top two scorers on the outside looking in, and it seems unlikely for that to continue over a full 14 games (though the 4 teams currently "in" are third, fourth, fifth and sixth). Pedro Pickles has outscored I-Ry by more than 100 points so far this season, though Pickles has 3 games under 93 points, and I-Ry has only 1 such. TL;DR - I-Ry is a little more consistent, but Pickles has better upside.

Week 8 Matchups

• HRG has won 8 of the 11 matchups against Utah Falco.
• DVD is 5-3 all-time against Boobies (heh).
• The Effect is 5-4 in his meeting with Pedro Pickles.
• Regression is 5-4-1 all-time vs. I-Ry. 
• Provost and Hardcore have split their 14 total meetings all-time (7-7).

And Week 8 starts on Thursday with the Falcons and Panthers. Let's just say it's gonna be better than the Sunday night Cowboys-Eagles game.

Week 6, or International Chuck A Puck Day

 So yeah, I missed last week. Even after it seemed pointless to do recaps, I intended to do a preview of the upcoming week.

Yeah, that didn't happen either. So here, I'll get back to the snark and the silliness.

Happy International Chuck A Puck day everyone! Ask Kevin.

Recaps? Eh, whatever. You already know if you won or not. Regress To The Mean won another Tidwell (his second on the season, the first repeat winner in 2020). But it's not like it took a lot: we scored a total of 984.5 points in Week 6, the first time we as a league failed to top 1,000 points (actually the first time we didn't get to 1,100 on the season). We had only 40% of the league even top 100 points (RTTM, Hardcore, HRG and I-Ry). It was a low scoring week. Not shockingly, the 4 teams that broke 100 all won, and so did Boobies (heh) who scored 89 points. I just realized I should be more mad about this, as the scorer of 95...

Highlights and Lowlights

• Pedro Pickles decided to sit his second-round pick in Kenyan Drake, and it cost him a win. I mean, Drake stinks, but the Cowboys defense is worse.
• Derrick Henry did Derrick Henry things for HRG: a 94-yard TD run is worth 16 points in our league (yardage + TD + bonus). It's basically more points than The Effect puts up in any given week.
• Speaking of low point totals, Utah Falco is actually the lowest scoring team in the league overall (1 point less than JFE). He's managed to stay 3-3, so if McCaffrey comes back soon, he might be in the mix.
• RTTM was the Tidwell winner, and his THIRD highest scorer was his kicker. Man, the Falcons also suck. But also, no one started Brandon McManus and his 6 FGs against the Pats. Don't bother checking waivers though; he's been added.
• If you didn't see your team listed here, you can just assume there were mostly lowlights for you, but not so low that you got mentioned here. So...congratulations?

Standings

I'm sure you've all seen, but we have a huge chunk of people in the middle of our standings. The top 8 teams are either 4-2 or 3-3. Then you've got the second highest scorer in the league (Pedro Pickles) sitting at 2-4. Basically the only one out of it is the 1-5 Jeff Fisher Effect. He's not officially out of reach, but there's a lot of teams to jump. But it's a weird season: anything can happen.

Or at least that's what I have to keep telling myself...

Week 7 Preview

• HRG (3-3) gets Team Provost (4-2). He'd like to win to keep pace. HRG has the most points in the league. Team Provost looks at his team on Sunday at 11:45am ET.
• JFE (1-5) gets Hardcore (3-3). It's kind of a must-win for JFE. Lucky for him, Hardcore's entire RB stable is on bye.
• Utah Falco (3-3) faces off with I-Ry (3-3). I-Ry has been putting up big points the last couple week, and he hopes it continues. Falco basically needs CMC back to have any hope.
• DVD (4-2) draws Pedro Pickles (2-4). Pickles just needs to make the right calls in his lineup. DVD traded away his best RB. Pickles could really use a win to help keep pace. DVD needs to steal whatever wins he can.
• RTTM (4-2) gets Boobies (heh)(3-3). Obviously they both want to win.

Week 4, or the Fourth Week of The Season

 Anybody else get stressed out by the weird Pats-Chiefs game moving to Monday night? (I mean, we know Crobi did...more later.) In the weirdest of years that is 2020, I guess we should have expected it. And now Stephon Gilmore has tested positive. And this picture is circulating on the interwebs:

 So Mahomes is next everyone! Let's just cancel the season now!

It is absolutely the weirdest of weird fantasy years. And I've got some ideas should this kind of thing happen again. I'll post those later, because honestly, that's not what you're here for. You want recaps and snarky comments.

So here's some of that:

HRG releases Boobies (heh), 137.5-117.5

A valiant effort by Boobies (heh), who as you remember whined in the group chat about not being able to field a team. He was mostly buoyed by Dalvin Cook and Todd Gurley. But HRG owns all the Cowboys; literally his top 3 scorers were Cowboys, thanks in large part to a defense that couldn't stop an offense assembled of our league mates (see below), which meant Dak only threw to Amari Cooper and CeeDee Lamb. HRG finally scored a lot of points AND won a game.

DVD tops I-Ry in the Banville Bowl, 131-116.5

I-Ry FINALLY put up some points....but he ran into the Odell Beckham buzzsaw rolled out by DVD and...well that didn't work out for I-Ry. George Kittle, though, amirite?

Team Provost improves to 4-0, tops Regress To The Mean, 122-88

New team name for Nash, but he apparently doesn't know what "mean" means. He regressed WAAAY past that; his 88 points were far below the league average this week. Provost keeps rolling, thanks to the "washed" Aaron Rodgers; and no thanks for Nick Chubb, who's gonna be out for a while.

Jeff Fisher Effect FINALLY scores points, beats Utah Falco 121.5-84

To be fair, Joe Mixon isn't going to score 40 points every week, but JFE hopes it's something of a breakout. Falco had some bad luck with the Titans-Steelers "bye week", but also because he started Jeff Wilson. He had two big scoring weeks, and now has put up two straight low scoring weeks. He's hoping to get CMC back QUICK.

Hardcore Sucks sucks less than Pedro Pickles, wins 103.5-89.5

Pickles had to make a choice on the QB: start Mahomes and hope the game doesnt' get cancelled, or start Brees (who almost didn't play thanks to what turned out to be a false positive)? Either way, it wouldn't have made up the difference. Pickles is sitting in a good spot though: with the loss of Nick Chubb, he's hoping Kareem Hunt sees a ton of work. Sucks wasn't great in this one, largely because Austin Ekeler ripped his hamstring apart.

SHOW ME THE MONNNNNAAAAAAAYYYY!

Hamilton Rod and Gun wins his first Tidwell of the year. It's his 7th ever, putting him third all-time.

How do I know that? I've added a Tidwell Award tab to our league history sheet. Check it out.

Smarter Than Phil Simms Football Squad

What would a STPS football team look like? You've already seen the helmet. But a jersey?

But really the question is who plays where.

Chris - Edge Rusher. Gonna have to get back into Cross Fit though.

Tim - Defensive back. Just blankets dudes.

Provost - Team doctor. He's the guy in the blue tent.

Kevin - Tight End. Height, but no speed. Plus, he's got one.

Nash - Running Back. Tarik Cohen mold. Dude has quicks.

Ryan - Safety. Ryan just wants to hit people.

Kyle - Middle Linebacker. Runs the defense.

Pete - Wide Reciever. Height, and more speed than Kevin. Injured less, too.

Cusick - Punter/Kicker. On a team that never does either.

Nate -  QB. Game manager.

This was fun. On to Week 5!

Week 3....well, *bleep*

 So the title works in multiple ways. Likely how Hamilton Rod and Gun, (who is 1-2, but one of three teams with over 400 points through 3 weeks) is feeling. His loss this week to Pedro Pickles probably left him doing something like this:

HRG is wondering when he gets to play someone who DOESN'T put up a lot of points; he's got the most points against this year, and it's not particularly close (45 more than anyone else). His 161.5 points in a loss is the most in league history, eclipsing the previous record of 159.5 set by Jeff Fisher Effect in 2018. I know that's how I looked the next morning so....

It also looks like this might be the year Provost Magic returns. He's 3-0,has the most points in the league, and his highest scoring player last week was James freaking Robinson (who was undrafted both out of college and in our fantasy league).

Pedro Pickles pulled out a victory on Monday night, posting the 5th highest score in league history. He had THREE players put up more than 30 points.

Hardcore Sucks (top-5 all-time name change) was lucky the Chargers were chasing on the scoreboard (for someone ungodly reason against the very bad Panthers) and Austin Ekeler put up a day. HOAT (bottom-5 non-name change) got concussed by Diontae Johnson getting concussed, or he might still have won.

Boobies (heh)? Well, he put a few guys in his lineup. Which seems to be about all you need to do to beat Iron Ryan these days. For the second straight year, he's in the bottom two in scoring (more on the guy atually at the bottom later).

HRG is pissed he didn't get to play Utah Falco this week. Falco and DVD combined for 166 points, which would have made for a closer matchup than HRG had against Pickles. Falco is effed without CMC. That 2-0 start looks like a mirage now.

I saved the worst for last though. The Jeff Fisher Effect can only HOPE to win a game this year with the utterly talentless roster (other than Russell Wilson) he's assembled. Honestly, I actually feel a bit like Jeff Fisher; you win a championship, think you're good, and then within 3 years, your team is shitty again and they're probably going to fire you. (Can you fire a fantasy manager?) Maybe I'll get lucky, and they'll replace me with someone as good looking as Sean McVay. (Kate can only hope.)

So we'll move on to Week 4. But not before I drop what might be the greatest GIF of all-time, courtesy of one Cameron Jerrell Newton.

I have to say: I admire his commitment to the bit. Sliding ALL the way to ground was a bold choice. You can bet I'll be using this one again.

Week 2 of 2020, or I'll take Injuries for $1000, please, Alex

Every owner this week as the injuries mounted up:

Saquon. Run CMC. Courtland Sutton. Davante Adams. Raheem Mostert (and basically anyone good on the 49ers).

It's going to be a fun week on waivers. And by fun, I mean, spending lots of money for players who won't do anything (see: Boobies (heh) last week).

Let's do some recaps, shall we?

Team Provost trounces Death Valley Driver, 157-113.5

A big part of the total for Team Provost, as he earns his first Tidwell award of the season, is Aaron Jones. The 44-spot Jones put up is the highest single player total for the young season. He certainly isn't going to skip over big games by Stefon Diggs and Nick Chubb. DVD was fine, but got bit by the Davante Adams injury. Josh Allen though.

Pedro Pickles routs Iron Ryan, 149-99

Alvin Kamara and Patrick Mahomes. With two top players like that, Pickles is in a good spot. And when he gets Kenny Golladay back? Look out. Julian Edelman seems to be continuing to be a favorite target of a Patriots QB, thus he is also fantasy relevant. I-Ry's major problem was the George Kittle injury last week. He had to start Jimmy Graham, who hasn't been good in, what, 5 years?

Utah Falco smacks Release Dix On Younghoe Boobies, 123.5-107

Utah Falco has NEVER started a season 2-0 before, but it could be a tough road to 3-0, thanks to the CMC injury. No bueno. Good news for Falco, CMC was around long enough to score two TDs. It was bad news for Boobies (heh) this week; he spent a total of $35 FAAB dollars on Sammy Watkins and Nyheim Hines who combined for a total of 2 points this week. And Watkins went down with an injury. Woof.

Hamilton Rod and Gun softens Hardcore Sacks, 118.5-95

HRG's strategy of Cowboys and Chiefs seems to be working: he's scoring a lot of points. So is Dak, who put nearly 40. He's not gonna get 3 rushing TDs every week but he'll take them this week. Hardcore now has to deal with being 0-2 AND losing the #1 pick in our draft, Saquon Barkley. And his best backup RB in Cam Akers is also injured.

Hooked on a Thielen escapes against Jeff Fisher Effect, 111.5-102

This matchup was separated by a half-point, with each team having a single player going on Monday Night. And then the Saints threw the ball to Emmanuel Sanders 3 times, yielding 1 catch, and JFE was done. The fact he even really had a shot was thanks to Russell Wilson and his 31 points. HOAT did just enough to win, thanks in part to Calvin Ridley's big day.

Shake Your MoneyMaker

Team Provost is this week's Tidwell winner, his first of the year, and fifth since the award was instituted in 2017.

The 2020 Season Begins!

Week 1 is in the books. And there's some panic, especially with a few of the injuries from the week. Let's do some recaps:

Hooked on a Thielen tops the week and Hamilton Rod & Gun, 141-122

HOAT (yeah, I'm not making the acronym mistake this year) took home the first Tidwell Award of the year, thanks partly to the hapless Panthers defense giving up 3 TDs to Josh Jacobs, and some garbage time for the Falcons and Calvin Ridley. It was a very good week for HRG; I mean, he scored the second most points in the league, but that's the way to cookie crumbles.

These might be the best two teams in the league, after Week 1.

Team Provost wins first Week 1 game since 2015, Boobies falls 118-97

Boobies (heh) changed his name, but it's too long to write here (even though I'm spending a lot of words on explaining why it's too long), and his team failed miserably to meet their projection. Some of that was injury (see: Thomas, Michael), but some was downright ineffectiveness (see: Wentz, Carson). For Provost, Mark Andrews made him look smart with two short TDs, and it does appear that (at least for a week) reports of Aaron Rodgers demise were greatly exaggerated.

Death Valley Driver begins title defense with 118-98 victory over Jeff Fisher Effect

It was the second straight year these two met in Week 1, and both times the result has been the same. DVD has a good week, JFE has a meh week. JFE is hoping it's more just an underperformance by his guys. He got bit by the injury bug (see: Bell, Le'Veon) but also the Mark Ingram WTF? bug. The major difference in this game was Davante Adams completely dismantling the Vikings secondary (35 points). DVD now has the major break of Marlon Mack's injury:

So that Jonathan Taylor upside that we figured would show up in, like, Week 8? Yeah, looks like it's coming sooner.

Utah Falco rides an NFC triumvirate, takes out Pedro Pickles 117.5-93

Christian McCaffrey picked up right where he left off last year, leading the scoring for UF again. But his DeAndre Hopkins and Chris Carson picks looked good for this first week too. It will be interesting to see what Falco does with the injury to Marlon Mack. Pickles, meanwhile, also got bit by the inujury bug (see: Conner, James), but also the 49ers defense sucked. He's hoping Kenny Golladay isn't out for more than the first week.

Iron Ryan smacks Hardcore Sacks in the face with David Johnson, wins 109-90

It's not like Hardcore could keep David Johnson this year, but after being burned by him the last two years, there's a good amount of irony in DJ's excellent first week for the Texans; dude looked good. I-Ry also has Zeke, so that doesn't hurt either. Hardcore put up the lowest score in the league this week, but won't make the mistake of playing the Vikings defense again. (minus-9 points? ouch!) In positive news, Adam Thielen managed two TDs and Rodrigo Blankenship scored positive points.

(This is what happens when you search "Rodrigo Blankenship" on giphy at 10pm on a Tuesday.)

Money Winner!

As previously mentioned, Hooked On A Thielen is the Tidwell winner this week. Bad news is: he won't be able to collect because his team is named after a player not on his roster.

(And before you come at me with the "But Boobie Dixon isn't on Crobi's roster!" business, let's remember: that Crobi doesn't WIN Tidwell's so....)

 

See ya for Week 2.