Week 7, or the Midpoint

We've got a big time logjam in the middle of our standings (which are actually a perfect palindrome), and one could say that no team is actually out of it. But whoever the "one" is that's saying that isn't looking at the completely craptastic roster of The Jeff Fisher Effect.

RECAPS!

Pedro Pickles (3-4) blasts Death Valley Driver (4-3), 151.5-109

It started out looking good for DVD with Davante Adams and his 180-some yards and 2 TDs. Then Tyler Lockett and his 200 yards receiving and 3 TDs happened on Sunday night. The real difference was the homerism showed by DVD: The Giants D did NOT dominate the Eagles and the Giants K also didn't do much. Pickles is better than his 3-4 record. DVD might not be as good as his 4-3 record.

Iron Ryan (4-3) continues winning streak, tops Utah Falco(3-4), 123.5-120.5

It's too tough to go back and find out for sure, but this might be the highest scoring combined QB output we've ever had, with both Kyler Murray (I-Ry) and Tom Brady (Falco) each gathering 36 points. The real difference in this one was Antonio Gibson against the Cowboys. So what have we learned from this? Start your offensive players against the just god awful Cowboys D. They stink.

Team Provost (5-2) stays on top following a win over Hamilton Rod and Gun (3-4), 118-105

This one was basically all Aaron Rodgers and James Robinson for Team Provost. And also that HRG started Jerick McKinnon, who played 12 total snaps and netted a donut in points. To be fair, had HRG played any other flex option on his roster, he still wouldn't have won so...

The Jeff Fisher Effect (2-5) sacks Hardcore Sucks (3-4), 110.5-105

It was a bye week for the RBs on both squads here. As in, Hardcore had to wheel and deal just to have any RBs to start (they ended up scoring 32 total points) and the backs that JFE started apparently took the week off (his backs combined for 9.5). Then there was Justin Herbert and his 36.5 points, that basically made up the difference in this contest.

Released Dix On Boobies (4-3) keeps rolling, defeats Regress to the Mean (4-3), 92.5-83

It's a 3 game winning streak for Boobies (heh) but I know one thing: the last two weeks have been pretty lucky. But hey, a win is a win, and from the guy who scored the fewest points in the league last year and finished .500, who am I to judge? But yeah...he's been lucky. AJ Brown scored 26 of his 92.5 points, and the Pats D lost him a point. Not great.

Money Time

Pedro Pickles won his second Tidwell on the season, only his third all-time.

Playoff Outlook

If the season ended today, Provost, RTTM, DVD and I-Ry would be the playoff teams. But that leaves the top two scorers on the outside looking in, and it seems unlikely for that to continue over a full 14 games (though the 4 teams currently "in" are third, fourth, fifth and sixth). Pedro Pickles has outscored I-Ry by more than 100 points so far this season, though Pickles has 3 games under 93 points, and I-Ry has only 1 such. TL;DR - I-Ry is a little more consistent, but Pickles has better upside.

Week 8 Matchups

• HRG has won 8 of the 11 matchups against Utah Falco.
• DVD is 5-3 all-time against Boobies (heh).
• The Effect is 5-4 in his meeting with Pedro Pickles.
• Regression is 5-4-1 all-time vs. I-Ry. 
• Provost and Hardcore have split their 14 total meetings all-time (7-7).

And Week 8 starts on Thursday with the Falcons and Panthers. Let's just say it's gonna be better than the Sunday night Cowboys-Eagles game.

Week 6, or International Chuck A Puck Day

 So yeah, I missed last week. Even after it seemed pointless to do recaps, I intended to do a preview of the upcoming week.

Yeah, that didn't happen either. So here, I'll get back to the snark and the silliness.

Happy International Chuck A Puck day everyone! Ask Kevin.

Recaps? Eh, whatever. You already know if you won or not. Regress To The Mean won another Tidwell (his second on the season, the first repeat winner in 2020). But it's not like it took a lot: we scored a total of 984.5 points in Week 6, the first time we as a league failed to top 1,000 points (actually the first time we didn't get to 1,100 on the season). We had only 40% of the league even top 100 points (RTTM, Hardcore, HRG and I-Ry). It was a low scoring week. Not shockingly, the 4 teams that broke 100 all won, and so did Boobies (heh) who scored 89 points. I just realized I should be more mad about this, as the scorer of 95...

Highlights and Lowlights

• Pedro Pickles decided to sit his second-round pick in Kenyan Drake, and it cost him a win. I mean, Drake stinks, but the Cowboys defense is worse.
• Derrick Henry did Derrick Henry things for HRG: a 94-yard TD run is worth 16 points in our league (yardage + TD + bonus). It's basically more points than The Effect puts up in any given week.
• Speaking of low point totals, Utah Falco is actually the lowest scoring team in the league overall (1 point less than JFE). He's managed to stay 3-3, so if McCaffrey comes back soon, he might be in the mix.
• RTTM was the Tidwell winner, and his THIRD highest scorer was his kicker. Man, the Falcons also suck. But also, no one started Brandon McManus and his 6 FGs against the Pats. Don't bother checking waivers though; he's been added.
• If you didn't see your team listed here, you can just assume there were mostly lowlights for you, but not so low that you got mentioned here. So...congratulations?

Standings

I'm sure you've all seen, but we have a huge chunk of people in the middle of our standings. The top 8 teams are either 4-2 or 3-3. Then you've got the second highest scorer in the league (Pedro Pickles) sitting at 2-4. Basically the only one out of it is the 1-5 Jeff Fisher Effect. He's not officially out of reach, but there's a lot of teams to jump. But it's a weird season: anything can happen.

Or at least that's what I have to keep telling myself...

Week 7 Preview

• HRG (3-3) gets Team Provost (4-2). He'd like to win to keep pace. HRG has the most points in the league. Team Provost looks at his team on Sunday at 11:45am ET.
• JFE (1-5) gets Hardcore (3-3). It's kind of a must-win for JFE. Lucky for him, Hardcore's entire RB stable is on bye.
• Utah Falco (3-3) faces off with I-Ry (3-3). I-Ry has been putting up big points the last couple week, and he hopes it continues. Falco basically needs CMC back to have any hope.
• DVD (4-2) draws Pedro Pickles (2-4). Pickles just needs to make the right calls in his lineup. DVD traded away his best RB. Pickles could really use a win to help keep pace. DVD needs to steal whatever wins he can.
• RTTM (4-2) gets Boobies (heh)(3-3). Obviously they both want to win.

Week 4, or the Fourth Week of The Season

 Anybody else get stressed out by the weird Pats-Chiefs game moving to Monday night? (I mean, we know Crobi did...more later.) In the weirdest of years that is 2020, I guess we should have expected it. And now Stephon Gilmore has tested positive. And this picture is circulating on the interwebs:

 So Mahomes is next everyone! Let's just cancel the season now!

It is absolutely the weirdest of weird fantasy years. And I've got some ideas should this kind of thing happen again. I'll post those later, because honestly, that's not what you're here for. You want recaps and snarky comments.

So here's some of that:

HRG releases Boobies (heh), 137.5-117.5

A valiant effort by Boobies (heh), who as you remember whined in the group chat about not being able to field a team. He was mostly buoyed by Dalvin Cook and Todd Gurley. But HRG owns all the Cowboys; literally his top 3 scorers were Cowboys, thanks in large part to a defense that couldn't stop an offense assembled of our league mates (see below), which meant Dak only threw to Amari Cooper and CeeDee Lamb. HRG finally scored a lot of points AND won a game.

DVD tops I-Ry in the Banville Bowl, 131-116.5

I-Ry FINALLY put up some points....but he ran into the Odell Beckham buzzsaw rolled out by DVD and...well that didn't work out for I-Ry. George Kittle, though, amirite?

Team Provost improves to 4-0, tops Regress To The Mean, 122-88

New team name for Nash, but he apparently doesn't know what "mean" means. He regressed WAAAY past that; his 88 points were far below the league average this week. Provost keeps rolling, thanks to the "washed" Aaron Rodgers; and no thanks for Nick Chubb, who's gonna be out for a while.

Jeff Fisher Effect FINALLY scores points, beats Utah Falco 121.5-84

To be fair, Joe Mixon isn't going to score 40 points every week, but JFE hopes it's something of a breakout. Falco had some bad luck with the Titans-Steelers "bye week", but also because he started Jeff Wilson. He had two big scoring weeks, and now has put up two straight low scoring weeks. He's hoping to get CMC back QUICK.

Hardcore Sucks sucks less than Pedro Pickles, wins 103.5-89.5

Pickles had to make a choice on the QB: start Mahomes and hope the game doesnt' get cancelled, or start Brees (who almost didn't play thanks to what turned out to be a false positive)? Either way, it wouldn't have made up the difference. Pickles is sitting in a good spot though: with the loss of Nick Chubb, he's hoping Kareem Hunt sees a ton of work. Sucks wasn't great in this one, largely because Austin Ekeler ripped his hamstring apart.

SHOW ME THE MONNNNNAAAAAAAYYYY!

Hamilton Rod and Gun wins his first Tidwell of the year. It's his 7th ever, putting him third all-time.

How do I know that? I've added a Tidwell Award tab to our league history sheet. Check it out.

Smarter Than Phil Simms Football Squad

What would a STPS football team look like? You've already seen the helmet. But a jersey?

But really the question is who plays where.

Chris - Edge Rusher. Gonna have to get back into Cross Fit though.

Tim - Defensive back. Just blankets dudes.

Provost - Team doctor. He's the guy in the blue tent.

Kevin - Tight End. Height, but no speed. Plus, he's got one.

Nash - Running Back. Tarik Cohen mold. Dude has quicks.

Ryan - Safety. Ryan just wants to hit people.

Kyle - Middle Linebacker. Runs the defense.

Pete - Wide Reciever. Height, and more speed than Kevin. Injured less, too.

Cusick - Punter/Kicker. On a team that never does either.

Nate -  QB. Game manager.

This was fun. On to Week 5!

Week 3....well, *bleep*

 So the title works in multiple ways. Likely how Hamilton Rod and Gun, (who is 1-2, but one of three teams with over 400 points through 3 weeks) is feeling. His loss this week to Pedro Pickles probably left him doing something like this:

HRG is wondering when he gets to play someone who DOESN'T put up a lot of points; he's got the most points against this year, and it's not particularly close (45 more than anyone else). His 161.5 points in a loss is the most in league history, eclipsing the previous record of 159.5 set by Jeff Fisher Effect in 2018. I know that's how I looked the next morning so....

It also looks like this might be the year Provost Magic returns. He's 3-0,has the most points in the league, and his highest scoring player last week was James freaking Robinson (who was undrafted both out of college and in our fantasy league).

Pedro Pickles pulled out a victory on Monday night, posting the 5th highest score in league history. He had THREE players put up more than 30 points.

Hardcore Sucks (top-5 all-time name change) was lucky the Chargers were chasing on the scoreboard (for someone ungodly reason against the very bad Panthers) and Austin Ekeler put up a day. HOAT (bottom-5 non-name change) got concussed by Diontae Johnson getting concussed, or he might still have won.

Boobies (heh)? Well, he put a few guys in his lineup. Which seems to be about all you need to do to beat Iron Ryan these days. For the second straight year, he's in the bottom two in scoring (more on the guy atually at the bottom later).

HRG is pissed he didn't get to play Utah Falco this week. Falco and DVD combined for 166 points, which would have made for a closer matchup than HRG had against Pickles. Falco is effed without CMC. That 2-0 start looks like a mirage now.

I saved the worst for last though. The Jeff Fisher Effect can only HOPE to win a game this year with the utterly talentless roster (other than Russell Wilson) he's assembled. Honestly, I actually feel a bit like Jeff Fisher; you win a championship, think you're good, and then within 3 years, your team is shitty again and they're probably going to fire you. (Can you fire a fantasy manager?) Maybe I'll get lucky, and they'll replace me with someone as good looking as Sean McVay. (Kate can only hope.)

So we'll move on to Week 4. But not before I drop what might be the greatest GIF of all-time, courtesy of one Cameron Jerrell Newton.

I have to say: I admire his commitment to the bit. Sliding ALL the way to ground was a bold choice. You can bet I'll be using this one again.

Week 2 of 2020, or I'll take Injuries for $1000, please, Alex

Every owner this week as the injuries mounted up:

Saquon. Run CMC. Courtland Sutton. Davante Adams. Raheem Mostert (and basically anyone good on the 49ers).

It's going to be a fun week on waivers. And by fun, I mean, spending lots of money for players who won't do anything (see: Boobies (heh) last week).

Let's do some recaps, shall we?

Team Provost trounces Death Valley Driver, 157-113.5

A big part of the total for Team Provost, as he earns his first Tidwell award of the season, is Aaron Jones. The 44-spot Jones put up is the highest single player total for the young season. He certainly isn't going to skip over big games by Stefon Diggs and Nick Chubb. DVD was fine, but got bit by the Davante Adams injury. Josh Allen though.

Pedro Pickles routs Iron Ryan, 149-99

Alvin Kamara and Patrick Mahomes. With two top players like that, Pickles is in a good spot. And when he gets Kenny Golladay back? Look out. Julian Edelman seems to be continuing to be a favorite target of a Patriots QB, thus he is also fantasy relevant. I-Ry's major problem was the George Kittle injury last week. He had to start Jimmy Graham, who hasn't been good in, what, 5 years?

Utah Falco smacks Release Dix On Younghoe Boobies, 123.5-107

Utah Falco has NEVER started a season 2-0 before, but it could be a tough road to 3-0, thanks to the CMC injury. No bueno. Good news for Falco, CMC was around long enough to score two TDs. It was bad news for Boobies (heh) this week; he spent a total of $35 FAAB dollars on Sammy Watkins and Nyheim Hines who combined for a total of 2 points this week. And Watkins went down with an injury. Woof.

Hamilton Rod and Gun softens Hardcore Sacks, 118.5-95

HRG's strategy of Cowboys and Chiefs seems to be working: he's scoring a lot of points. So is Dak, who put nearly 40. He's not gonna get 3 rushing TDs every week but he'll take them this week. Hardcore now has to deal with being 0-2 AND losing the #1 pick in our draft, Saquon Barkley. And his best backup RB in Cam Akers is also injured.

Hooked on a Thielen escapes against Jeff Fisher Effect, 111.5-102

This matchup was separated by a half-point, with each team having a single player going on Monday Night. And then the Saints threw the ball to Emmanuel Sanders 3 times, yielding 1 catch, and JFE was done. The fact he even really had a shot was thanks to Russell Wilson and his 31 points. HOAT did just enough to win, thanks in part to Calvin Ridley's big day.

Shake Your MoneyMaker

Team Provost is this week's Tidwell winner, his first of the year, and fifth since the award was instituted in 2017.

The 2020 Season Begins!

Week 1 is in the books. And there's some panic, especially with a few of the injuries from the week. Let's do some recaps:

Hooked on a Thielen tops the week and Hamilton Rod & Gun, 141-122

HOAT (yeah, I'm not making the acronym mistake this year) took home the first Tidwell Award of the year, thanks partly to the hapless Panthers defense giving up 3 TDs to Josh Jacobs, and some garbage time for the Falcons and Calvin Ridley. It was a very good week for HRG; I mean, he scored the second most points in the league, but that's the way to cookie crumbles.

These might be the best two teams in the league, after Week 1.

Team Provost wins first Week 1 game since 2015, Boobies falls 118-97

Boobies (heh) changed his name, but it's too long to write here (even though I'm spending a lot of words on explaining why it's too long), and his team failed miserably to meet their projection. Some of that was injury (see: Thomas, Michael), but some was downright ineffectiveness (see: Wentz, Carson). For Provost, Mark Andrews made him look smart with two short TDs, and it does appear that (at least for a week) reports of Aaron Rodgers demise were greatly exaggerated.

Death Valley Driver begins title defense with 118-98 victory over Jeff Fisher Effect

It was the second straight year these two met in Week 1, and both times the result has been the same. DVD has a good week, JFE has a meh week. JFE is hoping it's more just an underperformance by his guys. He got bit by the injury bug (see: Bell, Le'Veon) but also the Mark Ingram WTF? bug. The major difference in this game was Davante Adams completely dismantling the Vikings secondary (35 points). DVD now has the major break of Marlon Mack's injury:

So that Jonathan Taylor upside that we figured would show up in, like, Week 8? Yeah, looks like it's coming sooner.

Utah Falco rides an NFC triumvirate, takes out Pedro Pickles 117.5-93

Christian McCaffrey picked up right where he left off last year, leading the scoring for UF again. But his DeAndre Hopkins and Chris Carson picks looked good for this first week too. It will be interesting to see what Falco does with the injury to Marlon Mack. Pickles, meanwhile, also got bit by the inujury bug (see: Conner, James), but also the 49ers defense sucked. He's hoping Kenny Golladay isn't out for more than the first week.

Iron Ryan smacks Hardcore Sacks in the face with David Johnson, wins 109-90

It's not like Hardcore could keep David Johnson this year, but after being burned by him the last two years, there's a good amount of irony in DJ's excellent first week for the Texans; dude looked good. I-Ry also has Zeke, so that doesn't hurt either. Hardcore put up the lowest score in the league this week, but won't make the mistake of playing the Vikings defense again. (minus-9 points? ouch!) In positive news, Adam Thielen managed two TDs and Rodrigo Blankenship scored positive points.

(This is what happens when you search "Rodrigo Blankenship" on giphy at 10pm on a Tuesday.)

Money Winner!

As previously mentioned, Hooked On A Thielen is the Tidwell winner this week. Bad news is: he won't be able to collect because his team is named after a player not on his roster.

(And before you come at me with the "But Boobie Dixon isn't on Crobi's roster!" business, let's remember: that Crobi doesn't WIN Tidwell's so....)

 

See ya for Week 2.

2020 Draft Order Announcement