Well, this Week 1 was underwhelming to say the least. Shitty games, shitty football, and shitty fantasy scores. In fact, here's Week 1 in GIF form:
Thanks to the stupid dual Monday night games, not a single matchup was finalized following Sunday’s action, which I guess is good for the NFL, but annoying for The Commish. In fact, I woke up this morning at 3:30 and couldn’t sleep, so I wrote this. On to the recap:
Scrote Squad (85.5) vs. Hardcore Sacks (60.5)
Neither of these teams had a big week. Even a little bit big. Hardcore might have gone soft: David Johnson could reportedly miss 8-12 weeks, which basically means Hardcore is in trouble (worse if Andrew Luck doesn’t come back until October). Hardcore’s depth doesn’t look to help him out at all: his bench scored a total of 10 points, or half a point less than LaGarrette Blount did on Scrote’s bench.
The Jeff Fisher Effect (86) vs. Released Dix On Boobies (66)
It sure looked good for Boobies (heh) when Fisher elected to leave Kareem Hunt AND Tyreek Hill (and their combined 68 points) on his bench for the Thursday night game, and he got basically nothing from “Tim Brady MFer” in the same game. But he got basically nothing from the rest of his team too. Amari Cooper was his highest scoring player, and was outscored by JFE's kicker.
Hooper’s Heroes (107.5) vs. Grim Reaper (76)
Honestly, my favorite part about this one is the namesake of Hooper’s Heroes was on the bench, and outscored his starting TE (Gronk). Granted, Austin Hooper’s 2 catch, 128 yard and a TD doesn’t seem repeatable. Reaper extended his losing streak to 15 regular season games. DeAndre Hopkins and his 14.5 points were the most by a starter this week for Reaper.
Iron Ryan (87.5) vs. Pedro Pickles (71)
Leonard Fournette justified his high draft position, helping Iron Ryan to the win. It didn’t even matter that the Giants D scored zero points for him. Pedro Pickles highest scoring player sadly was on his bench, and he (like everyone else) didn’t get production from his starters.
Jameis Winston Zeddemore (85) vs. Team Provost (77.5)
Team Provost got double digit performances from both his RBs (Zeke-16.5; Shady-18.5) but not much of anything else. He also got negative points from the terrible awful no good very bad Patriots D. Adam Vinatieri is cooked. Zeddemore got a big week from the Ravens D (thank you, Andy Dalton), but is now hurting to receivers with A-Rob’s torn ACL.
Other stuff
Benchie Award
The Benchie Award this week goes to The Jeff Fisher Effect. He had the highest scoring player of the week (Kareem Hunt), and sat him. In fact, his bench scored so many points...
Teams what would have lost to The Jeff Fisher Effect’s bench
Everyone except Hooper’s Heroes. And even then Heroes would have squeaked out a 107.5-106 victory.
In fact: EVERYONE (except Heroes) would have lost to Tyreek Hill, Kareem Hunt and Stefon Diggs, who scored 93.5 combined points.
Yes, that includes JFE's own starters.
Teams that also would have lost to ONLY Tyreek Hill and Kareem Hunt (on JFE’s bench)
Released Dix On Boobies, Hardcore Sacks
I know this could sound like a brag by the Commish, but I really don't mean it to. I’m genuinely amazed, and the statistical anomaly of this is so crazy. It’s not going to happen again. Ever. (Which of course means it will happen again next week)
Other Random Tidbits
- Pedro Pickles had the lowest scoring high scoring player (Keenan Allen; 11.5)
- JFE, Iron Ryan, and Grim Reaper all had their kicker as the second highest scoring player.
This week’s Money winner: Hooper’s Heroes (107.5). Again, no one else even scored 90. Because we all suck. I really don’t know what I would have done if JFE’s bench had scored the most points...
Let's be honest: this week was absolute trash.
I’m really interested to see how Week 2 shakes down. It’s got to be better than this one, right? Normally, I’d say we’d get a boost from two teams returning from an unexpected bye week, but those teams are the Bucs and Dolphins…. So I guess maybe not.
Week 2 had better be better.
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