Week 15, or A New League Record

For literally the fifth time in the five years of the Modern Era of STPS, the #1 seed fell in the semi-finals. This time, Hardcore Sacks -- the best record and the most points during the regular season -- fell victim to just about the most insane output we will EVER see in this league.

Death Valley Driver cruised in this one, his 206 points a new league record by FAR. There was literally nothing he could do wrong. I watched the first half of the Patriots game, and every time the scroll on CBS showed someone had scored a touchdown, it was one of DVD's players. It was just an unreal combination of good players in the right matchups at the right time. (I mean...FOUR touchdowns for Kenyan Drake? Seriously?) There was basically nothing Hardcore could have done.

The other semi-final went similarly, just not as crazily. Hooked On A Thielen had a good headstart from Lamar Jackson, and then big weeks from a few players. Which was nice because he also had crappy weeks from a few crappy players. Pedro Pickles fell somewhat victim to the Cowboys thorough dismantling of the Rams defense; losing 8 points from your defense is a tough way to win a fantasy matchup.

In the Loser Bowl, The Jeff Fisher Effect and Hamilton Rod and Gun will face off for the Loser Bowl "title", and the chance for the extra draft capital. Team Provost also won, and avoided the chance for a second straight The Worst title. He'll play Released Dix On Boobies in the meaningless Loser game.

The Worst Bowl this year falls between Iron Ryan and Utah Falco. I-Ry had a good run at the playoffs until his team actually showed that they're terrible. Utah Falco has the luck of the CMC on his roster, but no one else. It would be an appropriate way for either of these teams to end up as The Worst, and the honor of holding the "Back Half of Horse" trophy for the year. (Which means it can finally emerge from it's current resting place, hiding in the back of the Commish's closet.)

End of Season: The Gathering

So to this point, we're not confirmed on a date for the event. It looks like Saturday, January 4th might be our best bet, and in the evening. We'll confirm location once we've confirmed date. Provost, you coming?

Also for End of Season: The Gathering, think about any rule changes you might consider proposing. I have a few, and I know of a couple others that may be proposed. But take a thought. Not looking for wholesale changes, because I think we all love our league setup, but maybe a tweak or two could be worth instituting. 

Like some sort of reasonable punishment for being The Worst.

Good luck to our finalists this week. It should be an exciting end to a fun season of imaginary football.

Cheers!

Week 14, Or Playoff Preview

It took us 14 weeks to decide who would play in the playoffs, and we used every single one of them.

Hardcore Sacks is our top seed again this year. He scored the most points and had the most victoies (well, was tied) for. He's hoping the Top Seed Curse isn't actually a thing.

Pedro Pickles is our second seed, thanks to a 7-game winning streak, over which he averaged about 108 points per game. He's a solid second seed.

Hooked On A Thielen is our three-seed. He overcame a shaky midseason where he seemed to either put up a ton of points, or none at all. He's an equally solid 3-seed, which will make that semifinal match pretty intriguing.

Death Valley Driver is literally limping into the playoffs. He was 7-3, and looked in the (Death Valley?) driver's seat for the top seed. Then he lost four straight, and needed Hamilton Rod and Gun to face off against another Tidwell winner (sorry, Kevin) to get into the playoffs.

Playoff Preview
Probably the coolest thing about our playoffs this year is that the finals is guaranteed to be a matchup for one team vying for its second championship (Hardcore and DVD) versus one team vying for it's first (Hooked and Pickles). I will make no other commentary on my desires for who wins, as I am the Commish, and I need to remain neutral on these things.

Loser Bowl Preview
Our Loser's Bracket winds up with some lucky bastards too. I mean, how in God's name did The Jeff Fisher Effect manage to end up 7-7 and the 6th overall seed, and thus cannot be The Worst? Lucky breaks toward the end of the season pretty much. He won his last two games by a TOTAL of 3 points. The opposite applied to Released Dix On Boobies: he just needed to win in Week 14 to make the playoffs for the first time ever. And he just couldn't. Bad luck. Those two will face off in the first round of the Loser Bowl.

The Bottom Four teams are a combination of good and bad. The aforementioned HRG kinda got jobbed. He's the THIRD highest scoring team in the league, but fell on some hard luck toward the end. Yeah, he faced several Tidwell winners, but he didn't put up a ton of points in those games.

Team Provost is a mess. Utah Falco is a mess, other than Christian McCaffrey. Iron Ryan had his luck run out toward the end of the season. (or perhaps he transferred it to The Effect?)

End of Season: The Gathering
I feel like we should probably begin to schedule our end of season social. As we usually have the event on Wild Card Weekend in the NFL, we're looking at January 4 or 5. I vote for the 4th, since it's a Saturday and we'll have the time to recover before the work week. But perhaps Sunday would work better for guys. I shall start a poll in the GroupMe.

On to the playoffs! Good luck men!

Week 13, or The Clear As Mud Scenarios

Ho. Lee. Crap.

With the league standings as they sit, we're in for a wild Week 14.

Rank	Team	Wins	Losses	Points
1	Hardcore Sacks*	8	5	1481
2	Pedro Pickles*	8	5	1354
3	Hooked On A Thielen	7	6	1459.5
4	Death Valley Driver	7	6	1424.5
5	Released Dix On Boobies	7	6	1371.5
6	Hamilton Rod and Gun	6	7	1410

*Hardcore and Pickles have clinched playoff spots.


Here's the Week 14 schedule:
Hardcore vs. HRG
Pickles vs. Boobies (heh)
Hooked vs. DVD
Out of playoff team vs. another out of playoff team
A different out of playoff team vs. the fourth out of playoff team

The Game of the Week: easily the DVD/Hooked pairing. The winner will be 8-6 and clinch a playoff spot. The loser will need some help (more on that further on).

- Hardcore is in, and has the best shot at the top seed, with 21.5 points more than the second most. All that matters for him is seeding.

- The same is true of Pedro Pickles. With the schedule set up as it is, we could have a maximum of four teams that are 8-6, so he'd get in, even though he has the fewest points of the current top 6.

- We'll skip DVD/Hooked for now, other than to say "winner gets in."

- If Boobies (heh) wins, he's in. If he loses, he's likely out. He trails Hooked by 88 points, and DVD by 53. A Boobies (heh) loss puts him and whoever loses DVD/Hooked at 7-7,  (at least) 53 points is a lot to make up.

- In order for HRG to get in: he needs to win, Boobies (heh) to lose, AND make up the point differential between him and the loser of the DVD/Hooked matchup; he trails DVD by 14.5 points, but Hooked by 49.5. He'll be hoping for a Hooked victory there, and a big week from his team (read: The Cowboys offense).

- The winner of the DVD/Hooked matchup will be 8-6, and will get in.

- The loser of the DVD/Hooked matchup will need Boobies (heh) to lose. As discussed a little higher, DVD and Hooked have the second and third highest point total in the league, so they will likely win any tiebreaker.

- OK, I guess I'd be remiss to mention that Iron Ryan and Jeff Fisher Effect are "technically" still alive for a playoff spot. However, if I-Ry makes it to 7-7, he'd need to make up (at minimum) 90 points; JFE would have to make up 190 points. So, yeah, that ain't happening.

I think it's absolutely great that the teams fighting for playoff spots all play each other, and that the four bottom teams basically get to start the Loser Bowl early. No one gets an "easy road" to the playoffs.

So good luck in Week 14 guys! It's basically playoff time already!!

Week 12, Or There's Only Two Weeks Left

***So the Notes this week are going to look a little different. I won't do specific recaps, but will look AHEAD to the scenarios for weeks 13 and 14.***

We've got 4 teams at 7-5, and those teams are currently sitting in playoff position (Hardcore Sacks, Hooked on a Thielen, Death Valley Driver and Pedro Pickles). Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me even a little bit if those were to be the playoff teams. But...I'm not sure that can actually happen.

This week, one of those 7-5 teams will fail to reach 8-5; DVD and Pickles play each other, with the winner being allowed to keep pace for the top seed. DVD follows that up with Hooked in Week 14, so he's got the toughest schedule over the next two weeks.

Hardcore, by contrast, faces zero teams currently in the playoff race (Team Provost and Hamilton Rod and Gun), so he seems the most likely to maintain his spot on the playoffs. Pickles gets Boobies (heh) in the final week of the regular season.

If the DVD-Pickles showdown is the number 1 game of the week, the HRG-Boobies (heh) showdown is 1a. Both are 6-6, and the winner could take over the final playoff spot with a win (provided they have the points to overtake the DVD-Pickles loser; Currently, HRG leads Pickles by 60 points, while Boobies (heh) is up by 6 total points. So if Pickles loses, there's a good chance we have a different 4th seed going into Week 14.

The only team that's been mathematically eliminated is Utah Falco. His best hope is to be 6-8, which won't get it done. He may be the 10 seed going into the Loser Bowl, and could be the front-runner for his first Worst "Title."

While not mathematically eliminated, The Jeff Fisher Effect is virtually eliminated. The best he can hope for at this point is to finish 7-7, and he has no chance of catching even the lowest scoring of the four current playoff teams. How much of "no chance" are we talking here? Pickles, the lowest of the 4 so far, has 1252 points; JFE has 1087.5. That's a difference of 164.5 points. In other words, JFE would need to outscore Pickles by an AVERAGE of 82.5 points a game, which is a point total JFE has failed to eclipse four times this year. So while theoretically possible, it just ain't gonna happen. JFE is basically just hoping to not be The Worst this year.

CURRENT PLAYOFF TEAMS - Opponent in Week 13 and 14
Sacks - Provost, HRG
HOTA - Falco, DVD
DVD - Pickles, HOTA
Pickles - DVD, Boobies (heh)
------------------------------------

CURRENT NON-PLAYOFF TEAMS - Opponent in Week 13 and 14
HRG - Boobies (heh), Sacks
Boobies (heh) - HRG, Pickles
I-Ry - JFE, Falco
Provost - Sacks, JFE
JFE - I-Ry, Provost
Falco - HOTA, I-Ry

So looking ahead to Week 14, the early game that sticks out is the HOTA-DVD matchup. It could possibly be a "winner gets a playoff spot" game.

It's somewhat interesting (and also pretty great) that the luck of the schedule draw has the current Bottom 4 teams all matching up in the last week of the season. It will be huge for Loser Bowl seeding, and likelihood of "winning" The Worst.


TRADE DEADLINE
Just a reminder that the Trade Deadline is tonight! I'm not sure there will be a flurry of deadline action, but I feel it's my duty to inform you of such. But also, I mean....shoot your shot.

ANNUAL THANKSGIVING APPEAL
Also wanted to wish you all a Happy Thanksgiving. And, as usual, say I'm thankful to have a league full of guys I enjoy playing with, and make it easy to be a commissioner. You guys are the best league a guy could ask for. <raises glass>

Week 11, or the Fustercluck Miraculously Gets Worse!

So, I give up. I have NO IDEA what's happening in this league any more. We really had a chance to separate out the haves from the havenots... but we dropped the ball like OJ Howard.

OJ Howard. What in the world. 

(via @thecheckdown)pic.twitter.com/hhLeYHeGAS

— NFL Update (@MySportsUpdate) November 17, 2019

It was also pointed out to me that looking at the the ESPN projections, every team with a lower projection actually won this week, which might be a league first. (Too bad your commish doesn't have an answer for that.)

ENDURKAST! (Google translate it, if you can't figure out what it means)

Iron Ryan does Non-I-Ry things, tops Hardcore Sacks, 129.5-117
So this might be the weirdest thing ever, but still not the weirdest thing of the day. Our second lowest scorer posts the highest score he'll post all year, thanks to some random blowup games by random dudes (Ross Dwelly? C'mon.) And he didn't even need his stud waiver pickup Brian Hill, who did virtually nothing, or his kicker, who did literally nothing. As high a score as Hardcore put up (second highest of the week), he would have won if he'd swapped out the Cowboys D for the Ravens D.

Released Dix On Boobies vs. The Jeff Fisher Effect, 108.5-107.5
Going into Monday Night Football, The Effect needed 9 points from Melvin Gordon to pull out the win. He got 9.5 from Melly to keep his slim playoff hopes alive. The Effect's hex on opposing players going down with injury kept up, with James Conner going down super early in the Thursday night game. But Boobies (heh) got 31 from John freakin' Brown and 29 from Jimmy G...just wasn't enough.

Utah Falco silences Hamilton Rod and Gun, 105-82.5
It's the second straight week Falco has gotten a zero from a spot on his team from a player who didn't play....and the second straight week it hasn't cost him. I think we can thank Christian McCaffrey for that; dude scored 25.5 points WITHOUT A TOUCHDOWN! He also finally got something again from Todd Gurley. HRG put up the second lowest score of the week, partly because Tevin Coleman stinks, Amari Cooper was injured, and he insists on putting T.J. Hockenson in his lineup (and keeping AB on his bench).

Pedro Pickles escapes with victory over Hooked On A Thielen, 103-98
Going into Monday night, this one looked pretty sewn up for Pickles. And then Travis Kelce did Travis Kelce things, and turned his possible blowout into a respectable performance. The return of Kareem Hunt has really sapped the ceiling for Nick Chubb, Terry McLaurin has a terrible QB throwing to him, and Adam Thielen is injured as hell. But hey....at least HOTA's got Lamar Jackson. Pickles' win here actually puts him in line for the 4th playoff spot. Thank you, Michael Thomas and Mark Ingram.

Team Provost escapes Death Valley Driver, 88.5-42.5
How bad was DVD's performance this week? His 42.5 points was the second lowest point total OF ALL-TIME. Admittedly, some of it is bad luck: Tyreek Hill (who could have doubled DVD's output on his own) went down with an injury 6 plays into Monday Night Football. Also can be tough when your two best players are on bye weeks, and the TE you've been riding hard all year is suddenly out with an injury. Provost had his two best players on bye also, but managed to get a TD from Tarik Cohen so...yay?

The Money of Champions
I got a message last week from Iron Ryan, paraphrased here: "If I can win a Tidwell, my year will be complete." My response? "Yeah, it's not happening for you or me this year, buddy." I was wrong. Iron Ryan won his first EVER Tidwell this week. He's the 10th owner to win a Tidwell Award. If that number sounds familiar, it's the number of owners we have in the league. He's literally the last to win one. Congrats?

What's Happening Now?
As I mentioned before, Pickles currently sits as the 4th seed in the playoffs, behind DVD, Hardcore and Hooked. Based on record, I-Ry is the first one out of the playoffs. After that, HRG, Boobies (heh) Provost and The Effect are all 5-6, ahead of 10th place Falco at 4-7.

I-Ry gets Hooked this weekend: two 6-5 teams wanting a win to solidify their position. Provost and Boobies (heh) faces off at 5-6, both needing a win to basically stay alive. Pickles (6-5) takes on Falco, hoping to solidify a playoff spot. Falco isn't mathematically eliminated (he's 6th in points), but an 8th loss would probably do it for him. A seventh loss for The Effect would basically doom him, thanks to his putrid point total; he draws Hardcore, against whom he's 6-3 all-time, and riding a 4-game winning streak. (I jinxed myself, didn't I?)

It's the Dozenth week. Three more to the playoffs, and it's going to be a wild ride. Good luck everyone.



Except Tim.

Week 10, or The Picture Gets Clearer?

We're heading into the home stretch now, with four games to go in the regular season. Perhaps next week I will regale you with the myriad playoff scenarios, but for now, it simply appears that two teams are hanging on for dear life like Sarah in the opening scene of Cliffhanger.

Shall we do some recaps?

Hooked On A Thielen goes ham, tops Hamilton Rod and Gun 147.5-115
It's a good output for HRG, something he's sometimes struggled with this year. He just ran into the Tidwell winner this week, as you saw him complain about in the GroupMe. But when Christian Kirk (who I honestly can't imagine was anything but an emergency "please get me 8 points" start) and Lamar Jackson have days like they had for HOTA, it's going to be tough to beat. Even Derrick Henry's 33 points weren't quite enough to rescue HRG.

Death Valley Driver sounds death knell on Jeff Fisher Effect, 126-66.5
DVD continued his run toward the top of the league, and basically handed The Effect his walking papers for the playoffs. DVD enjoyed the return of Patrick Mahomes and the effect on Tyreek Hill and a Kyler Murray game against a bad Bucs D. MEanwhile, the only thing that even worked at all for JFE was...his bench. Two double digit scorers in his lineup compared to four on his bench. Not that it would have helped him make up the 60 point differential.

Hardcore Sacks survives two stinkers, but still whips Released Dix On Boobies, 120-86
David Johnson and Cooper Kupp did nothing, and Hardcore STILL had enough firepower to win here. Mostly thanks to Aaron Jones, who somehow has gone all 2016-LaGarrette Blount and only scores touchdowns these days. Boobies (heh) was stuck with Matthew Stafford injured, and had to ride with Jimmy G which didn't work out for him.

Pedro Pickles welcomes Mahomes back, takes out Iron Ryan 111.5-102
Patrick Mahomes came back and did Patrick Mahomes things, but it was really the Rams D against Rudolph the Red-Nosed QB that saved him in this matchup. I-Ry is basically thrilled that with George Kittle out, his keeper O.J. Howard finally decided to do something. He did have a solid day all around, but the newly acquired David Montgomery failed to produce much of anything.

Utah Falco catches a break, tops Team Provost 98.5-84.5
Falco finally caught a break with a team NOT putting up a huge week against him to squeak out a win. He got lucky that even an INACTIVE LeSean McCoy in his starting RB spot worked out for him, largely because he had Christian McCaffrey and the 49ers defense. Provost had bad luck that Tyler Lockett went up against the Niners, but you'd have expected more out of Mike Evans (against the Cardinals), Saquon (against the Jets) and Drew Brees (against the Falcons).


Money: The Other White Meat
Hooked On A Thielen took home his third Tidwell of the year this week (thank you, Christian Kirk).

What's Happening This Week
The Matchup of the Week this week looks to be HOTA (6-4) vs. Pickles (5-5). Pickles is in the thick of the playoff hunt, and a win would certainly keep him there. A loss, however, would make the uphill climb a little steeper. HOTA will certainly be looking for that 7th win to keep pace with DVD (who's 7-3 and faces 4-6 Team Provost this week). I-Ry (5-5) needs a win over Hardcore (6-4) this week to keep pace, thanks to his low point total. HRG (5-5) doesn't want to lose to the 3-7 Utah Falco squad, and the 5-5 Boobies (heh) team certainly doesn't want to lose to JFE. ( JFE basically needs to win out and have everyone else end up 7-7 or worse to make the playoffs. That, or start averaging 200 points a week. Neither seems likely.)

We're on to Week 11.

Week 9, Or The LogJam continues

OK, so before you even start reading, open this link in a new tab, and let it play while you're reading.

Done that? Moving on...

We've got this crazy logjam in the middle of our league standings right now. One 6-3 team, a 2-7 team (who probably doesn't really deserve it) and everyone else is 5-4 or 4-5. It could create some major excitement in the next few weeks, while we wait for a team to separate itself from the pack. Or we may end up with a couple teams at 7-7 who miss the playoffs.

REKAPS!!

Lockett, Evans give Team Provost the edge over Hooked On A Thielen, 130.5-82.5
Hey, it's really hard to beat a team with multiple 30 point scorers, like Provost had in Tyler Lockett and Mike Evans. It wouldn't even have helped if HOTA had played Lamar Jackson instead of Aaron Rodgers. The downside for HOTA was that he also left Carlos Hyde on the bench, who would have been his second (or third) highest scoring player of the week. HOTA cansecond guess all he wants, but he would have had a hard time winning this week anyway, especially with 3 of his players on bye, and a mid-game injury to Adam Thielen.


Pedro Pickles shows signs of life, silences Hamilton Rod and Gun 118.5-103
FOUR guys on bye for Pickles didn't matter, because he finally got what he had been looking for all year from Zach Ertz. And also DK Metcalf, presumably added as a bye week fill in and a hope for something, put up big numbers. Meanwhile, HRG continues to ride with Carson Wentz, who has been pretty pedestrian the last 3 weeks. He's running into a problem similar to other teams in the league: his highly-talented, highly-drafted players just haven't been putting up numbers.


Death Valley Driver moves to the top of the league, softens Hardcore Sacks 119-101.5
In a matchup of what might be our two most talented teams, DVD pulled out the victory; this time, with no help from the Patriots D. He did get a lot of help from David Montgomery's two 1-yard TD runs. Hey, TDs are 6 points no matter how many yards to get beforehand. Hardcore went in "shorthanded" with Cooper Kupp on bye, but still put up a good fight. Aaron Jones and the ineffective Packers offense sort of did him in.


Jeff Fisher Effect continues Jekyll and Hyde act, takes out Utah Falco, 117-97
Melvin Gordon finally did some Melvin Gordon things for JFE this week. Two TDs, and a pretty cool hurdle over a Packers defender. It covered up a stinker from Stefon Diggs. Well, so did the crazy performance from Russell Wilson. Falco had a reasonable week, but the 2 points from the heretofore good 49ers D (who had put up double digits 4 straight weeks) and virtually nothing from Shady McCoy sort of doomed him here.


Iron Ryan uses big Monday Night from Dak, Gallup, squeaks by Released Dix On Boobies, 101.5-100
The hapless Giants looked good in the beginning of Monday Night Football. And then, same as the viewers, they #gotboogered. Dak Prescott and Michael Gallup remembered they play for the better team, and helped I-Ry barely escape with the win. It's the narrowest margin of victory in the league this season. For Boobies (heh), it was Mitch Trubisky who killed him. Yeah, he didn't start Trubisky, but he's so bad, his stink extends to Allen Robinson, who managed just a half-point. Shoulda played Mike Williams.


It's A Money Thing; You Wouldn't Understand
Team Provost topped the league scoring this week, winning his second Tidwell of the season. The nine Tidwell awards this year have been spread across 5 owners, with 4 of them winning twice. The owner with a single Tidwell also happens to be our top scoring team (DVD). Meanwhile, Team Provost is 7th in total scoring and has two, while Boobies (heh) is the #4 scoring team, and has no Tidwells.

Fantasy is weird, man.

Other Scoring Hodge Podge
I referenced earlier that Utah Falco probably doesn't deserve to be 2-7. He's had 1140 points scored against him. That's 86 more than the next highest points against, which translates to an extra 9.5 points against per week. It's an AVERAGE of 126.6 points against per week. That 126 point average, would be the highest points FOR per week average in league history (by about 5 points). And if it continues (which it can't, right? Regression and all that?) would be the highest points against average by a FULL 10 points. To be fair, Falco has the third fewest points for, so it's not entirely a fluke of high scoring against him. But what would his record look like if he had the points against of The Jeff Fisher Effect, who has 331.5 FEWER POINTS AGAINST!

No one has scored less than 103.5 points against Falco this year (and that 103.5 was in Week 1), and he's played against the Tidwell winner THREE TIMES! Using the "against league average" every week, he'd be 4-5. (Though, interestingly, using that same metric, our teams would only be either 5-4, 4-5, or 3-6. You can see that on the "Points" tab here.)

Fantasy is weird, man.

Coming Up Next
We've got two matchups for 5-4 teams this week: Hardcore vs. Boobies (heh) and HRG vs. HOTA. Every one of those teams wants a win to keep pace with first-place DVD, who draws The Effect this week, and seems likely to get Alvin Kamara back. I-Ry and Pickles face off, and Team Provost takes on Falco. We're going to have at least two 6-4 teams after this week, and we'll see how the standings separate out beginning Thursday night with Raiders-Chargers.

On to Week 10!

Week 8, Or Cream Rising, Other Stuff Falling

This is a weird fantasy season. We have FIVE teams that are 5-3, which means one of those teams (currently Hamilton Rod and Gun) would be out of the playoff picture. You could argue that despite 4-4 and 3-5 teams being as close as they are, they are nowhere near as talented, and our playoff field will consist of 4 of that current Top 5. And now....

REKAPITULIEREN!

Hardcore Sacks rides Jones, Kupp to 161-111.5 victory over Utah Falco
So, London was good to the Rams offense, or at least to Jared Goff and Cooper Kupp. (Also could have been a bad Bengals defense.) Honestly, when a team has two players over 30 points, it's tough to beat him, as long as the rest of his roster doesn't just completely lay down. Falco had Christian McCaffrey do his usual thing, but didn't enough from anyone else.

Released Dix On Boobies gets 20+ from his skill spots, topples Death Valley Driver 144.5-123
Matthew Stafford, Dalvin Cook, James Connor, Julio Jones and Kenny Golladay basically carried the day for Boobies (heh). It didn't even matter that Gerald Everett did nothing (in case you were wondering, I didn't count the TE as a "skill" spot). DVD posted a great score that would have beaten anyone else (other than Hardcore) but sometimes, that's how the cookie crumbles.

Hamilton Rod and Gun finally starts scoring points again, tops Iron Ryan 117.5-91.5
Tevin Coleman. Oh man. I thought Carolina's run D was supposed to be decent. They were not. Over 100 yards and FOUR touchdowns for Coleman. My goodness. Also, JuJu made a few plays, which he hasn't really done much this year (thank you, Dolphins D). I-Ry had just a single player break 20 points (Julian Edelman), and wasn't able to keep up.

Pedro Pickles pops Team Provost, 113.5-94.5
Oh, Provost. Mike Evans is a stud. Marvin Jones got lucky last week. And Provost attempted to ride the luck train, instead of sticking with the stud. Which resulted in a point differential of 33.5 points. Ouch. Pickles meanwhile got 32.5 from Latavius Murray (thanks to Alvin Kamara being out again) which would up being most of the difference in this one.

Hooked On A Thielen rides A-Rod to victory of The Jeff Fisher Effect, 96-87
Into Sunday Night Football, this game was wide open. Then Travis Kelce and Aaron Rodgers slammed that door shut. JFE's run of facing underperforming teams continued, but yet again his mediocre roster couldn't capitalize. Aaron Rodgers is the only one who broke the 20-point barrier in this one. HOTA might feel a little lucky to escape with a victory with such a low point total.

Good To The Last Money
Hardcore Sacks is this week's Tidwell winner, his second of the season, tying him with HRG and HOTA for the most. Who ends up with the most? We'll find out...

But we still have six more weeks to find out!

On to Week 9!

Week 7, or The Weirdness Continues

What a weird week of fantasy football. I feel like I've been saying that every week, but it's pretty true. Every week provides a weird quirk, a weird injury, or a guy getting 4 receiving touchdowns against the Vikings defense.

Team Provost starts Marvin Jones, takes down Hamilton Rod and Gun, 127-84.5
Provost basically was held hostage into starting Marvin Jones this week, thanks to roster mismanagement and 2 other WRs on bye. But it worked out for him. Dude didn't even get to 100 yards receiving, despite 10 catches and STILL caught 4 TDs. Provost also was helped by the absolute ineptitude of the Jets goal line defense, allowing Sony Michel 3 TDs. Those 7 TDs from 2 players was definitely more than some entire rosters had this week (looking at you, Iron Ryan). HRG looks pretty vulnerable, thanks to his many Cowboys starters, and a kicker on an absolutely terrible offense.

Hardcore Sacks sits a 3-TD player, still pulls out win over Hooked on a Thielen, 124-82.5
When David Johnson is listed as active, you play him. There's no doubt about that. I mean, how can you know Kliff Kingsbury is going to lie straight to the faces of everyone and just not play the man. Luckily for Hardcore, Chase Edmonds 34 points weren't needed to topple HOTA, since he only had one player with single digit points in his lineup. HOTA was not as lucky; he got 22 points from Lamar Jackson, 16 from Lenny Fournette and not much else. Other than 43 from Aaron Rodgers on his bench. He'll be glad Nick Chubb is back from his bye this week.

Released Dix On Boobies overcomes Damien Williams, tips over Utah Falco 114-68
Yes, that headline is a reference to Falco's truck from The Replacements. (didn't want that to go unnoticed.) A combination of injuries and bye weeks really doomed UF here. Only Tom Brady scored any points on his bench. And he should have used Brady, because Matt Ryan actually cost him points. Not that it would have mattered, because Matthew Stafford threw for damn near 400 yards and 4 TDs against the defense that Boobies (heh) started. Thankfully, he also has Dalvin Cook who is laying waste to whatever defense is put in front of him.

The Jeff Fisher Effect takes advantage of opponents low score, tops Pedro Pickles 107.5-75
It's the third straight time JFE has faced an opponent who scored in the 70s, and the second time he was able to grab a victory. The point differential for JFE is just insane (see more, later on). Darren Waller was a baller, Stefon Diggs was good, and everyone else kind of held up their end of the bargain. He certainly was helped by injuries to Patrick Mahomes and Will Fuller, and Devonta Freeman forgetting he's tiny and trying to punch Aaron Donald and getting ejected. Those 3 players combined for 9.5 fantasy points, and it was basically over.

Death Valley Driver wins Banville Bowl, softens Iron Ryan 96-59
I-Ry has teh second fewest points scored in the league, yet still manages to have a winning record. His team just did nothing this week, posting the lowest point total in the league this season. Dak Prescott was his only player in double figures. Meanwhile, DVD continues to hold the trump card in the Patriots defense, which this week made the game look more like a battle and less like a pillow fight.

Rock the Tidwell
Team Provost earned the Tidwell this week, his first of the season.

This is Point-less
So, The Jeff Fisher Effect has 635 points scored this year, almost 30 fewer than the next lowest (Iron Ryan) and 189 less than top point-getter Hooked on a Thielen. The Effect ALSO has the fewest points against on the season, at 615. The second lowest points against? Also Iron Ryan with 689.

So, as bad an "offense" as The Effect has been able to muster, his "defense" has been very good. Fewest points scored in the league and STILL has a +20 point differential (Iron Ryan actually has a -25 point differential, yet a better record).

Your points leader, Hooked on a Thielen also has a negative point differential (-12.5). But the first-place Death Valley Driver has a +97.5 differential.

Such a weird season.

Will Week 8 be weird? Probably, but we won't know until we play it.

Until next time, America.

Week 6, or The Later Than Usual Ones

From last week's 6-team 3-2 mess, to this week: FOUR teams at 4-2, four more at 2-4 and two at 3-3. It's a weird set of standings, and it's kind of a weird year in fantasy football. I'm back to the "regular" format this week so...

RECAPS!

Death Valley Driver takes home Tidwell, takes down Utah Falco 161-100.5
Man, that Patriots defense is just killing people. They're averaging TWICE what the Bears defense averaged last year, and they've helped DVD to his 4-2 record. And this week, thanks to 2 TDs from Tyreek Hill, it didn't hurt DVD that he played Darius Slayton, who no one has ever heard of before this week, including NY Giants coaches. Utah Falco is 2-4, but has the 4th most points, thanks in large part to Christian McCaffrey. He's had some bad luck in his opponents, who have scored the most points against him.

Hooked On A Thielen smacks Released Dix On Boobies, 126-102.5
Lamar Jackson reminded the league he's still a thing, and that basically made the difference in this one. All the other position scores were pretty close, but Matthew Stafford wasn't good enough on Monday night (not entirely his fault; more on that later). Both these teams are right where they ought to be in terms of points and record.

Pedro Pickles sacks Hardcore Sacks, 107.5-73.5
It's REALLY tough to win when you have a player go down with an injury before scoring any points (kind of a theme this week) and when your QB throws for 78 yards in an entire game (Sam Darnold threw for 92 on one play this week against the Cowboys). A theme for Hardcore has been bench points this year, but even that wouldn't have saved him this week. Not to take anything away from Pickles, who finally had some luck break his way this week.

Iron Ryan defeats Team Provost 91.5-87
The amount of luck that has gone into this fantasy football season is somewhat astonishing. Despite scoring the second FEWEST points, I-Ry is sitting in possession of a playoff spot. It's somewhat impressive. It does help when you've also allowed the second fewest points against. George Kittle and Dak Prescott did most of his damage this week. I'm also not sure how Philip Rivers and Dak scored as many points as they did, with as bad as their teams looked in their respective losses. Garbage time is a helluva thing, I guess.

Hamilton Rod and Gun tops The Jeff Fisher Effect, 73-65
Oh holy shit. There's not much to say about this matchup. Literally all day Sunday, it looked like this:

It's the second time in three weeks JFE had an opponent put up a putrid score and fail to win. The Effect has the fewest points scored, and it's not close (527.5, next lowest is 612) but also the fewest points against. It's not helping, he's 2-4. HRG is 4-2, is third and scoring and this week might be considered an anomaly, except that it's the second time in three weeks he failed to make it to 75 points. To sum up: HRG is gonna be fine. JFE is in deep trouble.


Money Makes The League Go 'Round
Death Valley Driver is this week's Tidwell winner, his first of the season.


ICYMI
There was some absolutely horrendous officiating on Monday night.

Week 7 is the next one we play. So let's do it!

Week 5, or a Hardcore 50th Win

Congratulations to Hardcore Sacks on his 50th all-time win! He topped Hamilton Rod & Gun this week, 164.5-104. It's Hardcore's first Tidwell of the season, and could have been an even bigger week, considering he left Aaron Jones (45.5 points) and Josh Jacobs (28.5 points) on his bench, who would have outscored the RBs he started. HRG got a big week from Amari Cooper, but it wasn't enough. He's currently tied to a LOT of Cowboys (which no one is really shocked by).

HRG's 104 points would have been enough to beat The Jeff Fisher Effect, who is 2-3 and has scored the fewest points in the league. "Allowing" the fewest points against helps (I guess he's playing good defense?). JFE was lucky Wayne Gallman got concussed, and Mike Evans only ran around on the field for the Buccaneers, but you don't get points for routes run. (Interesting scoring idea though.) JFE failed to top 90 points for the third time in 5 games, but escaped with the win 89-70.5. His team is junk.

Iron Ryan beat JFE last week only scoring 70 points. This week, he vastly improved his scoring but didn't manage to continue the luck; he lost this week to Utah Falco, 125.5-117. Falco continues to get enormous production out of Christian McCaffrey, and serviceable performances from the rest of his team. I-Ry might have won if he'd played DJ Chark (doo doo) and his 33 points.

Meanwhile, Released Dix On Boobies, who drafted DJ Chark LAST year, topped Pedro Pickles this week, 117.5-98. Pickles had the top scorer in the matchup in Michael Thomas (36.5 points) but Boobies (heh) didn't have the glaring donut put up by Sammy Watkins. Pickles instead kept Will Fuller (49 points!) on his bench.

Speaking of leaving big points on his bench, Death Valley Driver didn't play Deshaun Watson, the guy who threw to Will Fuller, but he still managed to escape with the win over Hooked On A Thielen, 115.5-113. HOTA left his namesake on the bench again, and it burned him.

So with all this, we have SIX teams sitting at 3-2. And looking at points, I-Ry is 9th overall in points for, but is 3-2. Pickles, currently our only 1-4 team, has 20 more points than I-Ry, and 71! more than Fisher Effect, yet trails each of them in the standings. It's a bit of tough luck that will probably even itself out as the season goes along.

I mean, there's no way the Commish keeps winning putting up so few points. It just can't happen.

Odds (pulled out of thin air, not actual math even a little) of finishing as The Worst this year:
The Jeff Fisher Effect - 1-2
Iron Ryan - 1-1
Pedro Pickles - 2-1
Everyone else - no bet, because it ain't happening

We move on to Week 6...

Week 4, or Some Teams Should Give Up

It was the lowest total scoring week of the year in STPS, and there are a few teams who should probably be legitimately concerned about their season to this point.

Hooked On A Thielen goes off, takes down Utah Falco, 147-129
Tough luck week for Falco, who would have beaten anyone else this week but HOTA. That's the way the cookie crumbles sometimes though (not the only weird matchup like that this week). HOTA didn't play his namesake (smart move: Thielen got 1 point) but maybe should rename his team involving Nick Chubb and his 38.5 points.

Death Valley Driver topples Pedro Pickles, 117.5-87
DVD didn't seem to care about Mecole Hardman losing a point for him this week. Or that Deshaun Watson laid a stinker. After Davante Adams put up a big week on Thursday night, that's all he really needed. A week after riding Mark Ingram to a huge point total, Ingram disappointed for Pedro Pickles this week. Even Patrick Mahomes "underperformed."

Hardcore Sacks, uh, hardcore sacks Team Provost, 115-109.5
With Wayne Gallman doing his best Saquon imitation, it looked like Provost was going to walk away with this matchup. And then Jared Goff and Cooper Kupp brought Hardcore back, giving him the birthday comeback win. Provost had the bad luck of Marlon Mack getting injured mid-game, or we might be singing a different tune.

Released Dix On Boobies pops Hamilton Rod and Gun, 100-69.5
HRG was by far our highest scoring team going into Week 4, and put up the second lowest score of the week (The Commish apparently felt bad and decided to take that mantle for the week; more on that next). His usual studs just didn't have studly weeks: Keenan Allen had a long TD called back on penalty and Zeke and the Cowboys offense looked like the white stuff that accumulates in the corners of your mouth when you're really thirsty. Boobies (heh) had a solid day from his team, including big ones from Kenny Golladay and James Conner.

Iron Ryan tops Jeff Fisher Effect in pillow fight, 70-67.5
I cannot tell you how hard I was rooting for a tie in this matchup. Honestly, neither of these teams deserved to win this game. Why do I say that? Combine their scores, and they still don't beat HOTA this week. This was just a god awful showing by both teams. JFE's top scorers were his kicker and his defense. NONE of his skill players scored in double digits. I-Ry basically rode his two RBs (fittingly enough) to this victory; they combined for 31.5 of his 70 points. Honestly, these two teams should each think about giving up the season. Wait...Iron Ryan is 3-1?? Sometimes, that's the way the cookie crumbles.

Make Money, Money, Make Money, Monaaaay
Hooked on a Thielen tops the league this week for his second Tidwell of the season. Through 4 weeks, we have only 2 Tidwell winners. Not surprisingly, they are in first and second place.

Interesting Stuff through 4 weeks
So here's some weird/fun/interesting things through the first 4 weeks of the season:

• Who has the most points against on the season? Yeah, that would be Hooked On A Thielen, who's 3-1 (it helps that he's score the second most). Fewest points against? That would be Iron Ryan, also 3-1. We know HRG has scored the most points. The fewest? Your Commish, JFE (who also happens to have the second fewest points against). HRG has the third fewest points against. 
• So to summarize: your fewest points against are I-Ry (3-1), JFE (1-3) and HRG (3-1).
• In the last two weeks, DVD is 1-1. He lost in Week 3 by 30.5 points, and then won in Week 4 by 30.5. So he's technically "even" over the last two weeks.
• We've had three separate instances this season where a team has scored 109.5 points. Prior to this year, there were only five total instances of 109.5 points.

Something That Irrationally Excites Me

You guys know I've been tracking stats for the entire history of the league. We currently have two owners sitting at 49 all-time wins: Tim and Kevin. And the part that excites me? THEY PLAY EACH OTHER IN WEEK 5! Winner is the first in STPS history to 50 wins.

And so, I bring back....The KevMeme.

And we're on to Week 5!

Week 3, or Shorter, but with GIFs

Week 3 expectation: the cream would continue to rise to the top, while whatever is not the cream (is that just milk?) would continue to sink.

Week 3 reality: well, we have a single 3-0 team, and then we have a muddled mess in the middle. Yes, it's Week 3, but I'm genuinely surprised we don't have an 0-3 team.

RECAPS!

Hamilton Rod and Gun tops Death Valley Driver in high scoring matchup, 165-134.5
Tough loss for DVD, who posted the third highest score of the week. HRG thanks the Miami Community College defense for 23 Amari Cooper points, and Philip Rivers for his patent refusal to throw to anyone but Keenan Allen. DVD thanks Drew Brees for getting injured so that the Saints had no alternative than to hand the ball to Alvin Kamara a million times.

Team Provost blasts Released Dix On Boobies, 138-81
Mike Evans had done nothing through two weeks. Nothing. And then Week 3....

It was like Jameis Winston was apologizing for all the times he didn't throw to Mike Evans. Like, ever in his career. Provost also has Tyler Lockett (and Russell Wilson) to thank for his near-Tidwell winning performance. Boobies had good weeks from an RB (Dalvin Cook) and a WR (Julio) but the partner to each scored a combined 7 points, which aided his downfall in this one.

Jeff Fisher Effect obliterates Hardcore Sacks, 121.5-92
It worked out (at least this week) for JFE trading for a QB. It's his highest QB score in at least two years, and about double his previous highest TWO QB week scores. He has garbage time to thank for Russell Wilson's performance. Also, Darren Waller who seemingly came out of nowhere, and also seems to benefit from the lack of AB in Oakland. Hardcore, meanwhile, had a reasonable day, but leaving Cooper Kupp's two-TD performance on the bench hurts. His team wasn't bad...just not good enough this week.

Pedro Pickles takes out Utah Falco 114-98.5
After Week 1, Falco looked like a wagon. Now, he looks a little more like the pickup truck that Shane Falco drove in The Replacements after the striking players rolled it over. He got the needed big week from Christian McCaffrey, but didn't have enough firepower to overcome Pickles' new toy, Mark Ingram (part of the aforementioned Russell Wilson to JFE trade). Also, Patrick Mahomes was Patrick Mahomes.

Hooked on a Thielen softens Iron Ryan, 109.5-83 

After two very large weeks, HOTA came down to Earth a little bit this week, posting the lowest winning score of the week. Lamar Jackson looked a mortal, but can still run like whoa. Teamwise, his scores were all clustered between 9 and 18.5 (kickers don't count). Iron Ryan is going to go about as far as Lev Bell and the Jets "offense" can carry him. Poor Lev now has TWO offenses he needs to carry. Calvin Ridley also melted Iron's chances on this day.

Money? Yeah, Money.
This week's Tidwell is our first repeat winner of the season: Hamilton Rod and Gun.

He's certainly looking like the most dominant team in the league through 3 weeks.


Sorry for the delay in this week's notes. Working on the road this week, and haven't had much time to sit and write. Perhaps Week 4 will be better.

Good luck in Week 4!

Except Ryan, who's playing The Commish.

Week 2, or The Second Week of the Season

After Week 2, we've got two 2-0 teams who look really good, a bunch of 1-1 teams, and then two teams that are 0-2 and are probably looking at their teams in opposite ways.

Team Provost (1-1) kills Death Valley Driver (1-1), 103.5-97
It's the second straight 103.5-point output for Team Provost, but this time it was enough to earn a victory. Saquon and Mark Andrews (Mark Andrews!) were his big time point getters. DVD, meanwhile, got 35(!) from the Patriots defense against the Dade County Community College Dolphins, a major advantage that was offset by a few very defensive games for his studs, and Matt Prater losing a point-and-a-half for him.

Released Dix On Boobies (1-1) smashes The Jeff Fisher Effect (0-2), 134-87.5
Normally, waiting for Odell Beckham to go on a Monday night would be met with a "Oh, I've got a shot." Instead, JFE barely watched Monday Night Football, knowing he'd need 70 points from Beckham to win. TO his "credit", OBJ did his best, posting 27 points. Boobies (heh) had 4 players score in the 20s, who would have beaten the entire starting squad for JFE.

Iron Ryan (2-0) sacks Hardcore Sacks (1-1), 113-78
This is one of those weeks for Hardcore to chalk up to bad luck. His starting QB gets hurt (also out for the season now) and almost every player on his bench would have been a better play than any starter, except playing a lineup like that would have given you heartburn. Iron Ryan, meanwhile, started the same lineup for the second straight week to the same victorious result.

Hooked On A Thielen (1-1) snacks on Pedro Pickles (0-2), 134.5-109
Both QBs in this matchup were the top scorers: the difference came in the other positions. Patrick Mahomes' 30 points were the high in this matchup, but the next 5 highest scores belonged to HOTA. And 20.5 of HOTA's points came from the top target of Mahomes in Travis Kelce.

Hamilton Rod and Gun (2-0) shoots Utah Falco (1-1), 105.5-76.5
Last week, Utah Falco was in the running for the Tidwell. This week, he put up the lowest score in the league, thanks in large part to Christian McCaffrey's 5 points this week (compared to 38 in Week 1). HRG didn't have a player break the 20 point plateau, but only had 3 players in single digits.

The Money Line
Hooked On A Thielen is this week's Tidwell Award winner, barely edging out Boobies (heh) but a half-point following the Monday Night game. Boobies (heh) got 0 points out of his Monday night player David Njoku, while HOTA got 17 from Nick Chubb. Even a single catch from Njoku would have split this pot.

Which reminds me: do we HAVE a procedure for a Tidwell if it's two equal scores? This is at least the second time we've only had a half-point spread at the top, and it seems only a matter of time until we have two equal scores up there. Thoughts?

Put Your Records On
I've been working on updating our League History page, along with our Best Ball stats and our yearly statistics. It's a lot of data entry, and I have less empty time to fill at work, so I apologize that they're getting updated a little slower than in previous seasons. But here are links to the Google Sheets where I track all those fun things:

STPS Complete League History

2019 Stats

Best Ball Sheet

What's in the Best Ball Sheet, Commish?
The Best Ball sheet has a tab for each week of the season. Within each week, I'll track:

1. the best score from the player's your drafted
2. the best score from the players on your roster for that week

For example, Hardcore Sacks dropped Vance McDonald after Week 1. Each week, I'll add McDonald's score into Hardcore's "Drafted Team Best Ball," but leave him off of the team for that week. I'll also show the Best Ball scenario of the guys you had on your roster that week, regardless of whether or not your drafted them.

Also, as part of that, I'll track the percentage of the highest scoring players you played that week. In Week 1, HRG played 100% of the players that would have given him his best score that week. By comparison, Utah Falco, Team Provost and Boobies (heh) played 66.7% of their "best" players.

And then, just for fun, I'll compile the Best Ball score of ALL the free agents we didn't have in our lineups that week. You can see that in Week 1, the free agent team scored 216 points! I'm interested to see if anyone manages to beat that team any week. Based on Week 1, I'd say it's a long shot.

Anyway....We're on to Week 3!

Week 1, or The Week Where Everyone Broke 100 Except One...

So Week 1 is in the books, and it could perhaps show us that there are some obvious haves, and obvious have-nots.

To the recaps!

Utah Falco rolls over Team Provost, 136.5-103.5
If you'd have told me the highest scoring player for UF would be Christian McCaffrey, I'd have believed it. If you told me Team Provost's highest scorers would be Marlon Mack and Mark Andrews, I'd have said you were nuts. But here we are. 

Hamilton Rod And Gun blasts Hooked on a Thielen, 173.5-111.5

After earning a mediocre draft grade, HRG handed the Commish a nice plate to crow to eat. His team put up the highest Week 1 score in league history, thanks to touchdowns from everyone in his lineup, save for JuJu and Stephen Gostkowski. Hooked on a Thielen had a pretty good week, but just happened to run up against a buzz saw. Of course, it's harder when your team's namesake catches 3 of the Vikings' 10 passes in an entire game. Hooked is hoping that doesn't continue.

Iron Ryan goes hard, breaks Pedro Pickles, 130.5-125.5
Sammy freakin' Watkins. While he's not going to do THAT most weeks, he's going to be more than useful for Pickles. Unfortunately, Pickles firepower wasn't enough to beat Iron Ryan. Lev Bell, Dak and the Titans D carried him to victory this week. We'll see if the 34 that Dak put up can be replicated against a team that actually plays defense (unlike the Giants). 

Hardcore Sacks drops Released Dix On Boobies, 136-104

I'm gonna be honest: I didn't think Josh Jacobs was going to do THAT against the Broncos. Though it's not hard to believe, since the Raiders don't have much in the way of talent. Austin Ekeler also had a big week for Hardcore. Boobies (heh) was kind of up and down, getting a good week out of Dalvin Cook (partly because his team didn't throw the ball, like, at all, and partly because he's a good player) and medium days the rest of the way around.

Death Valley Driver slips by The Jeff Fisher Effect, 101-97
When the person writing the notes is the person affected by the ending of that Texans-Saints game, it's easy to pay close attention. Deshaun Watson and Drew Brees put on a show at the end of the first Monday night game this week, with Watson doing just a little more than Brees at just the right time. The four points that separated DVD and JFE this week were basically earned in the last 37 seconds of that Monday night game. It was riveting to watch. 

Shake Your Money Maker
Hamilton Rod and Gun is our Tidwell winner this week, posting the league's highest ever Week 1 score (previous high was 166.5).


There's some new stuff I'll be tracking this year in our league history documents. First, as we discussed at the draft, I'll be tracking each team's "best ball" score using only the drafted players. As an added best ball bonus, I also plan to track best ball scores weekly, based on who is on your roster. And ideally, I'll run a percentage from that to see who played the highest percentage of their best players every week.

I'll post links to the League History, the 2019 stats sheet and the best ball tracking sheet in a subsequent post once they are completely updated.

On to week 2, where your commish is going to do his best to avoid an 0-2 start from his terrible assembly of talent.

Welcome to Season 6! of STPSFF

It's Season 6 of the Smarter Than Phil Simms Fantasy Football League. With this sixth season, our league now has more seasons than:

• Quantum Leap
• Ally McBeal
• The A-Team
• Breaking Bad

Every one of our seasons has started with a draft. What is a draft, you ask? (OK, you didn't ask just.... just....ok?)

Draft: (n) - a procedure whereby new or existing sports players are made available for selection or reselection by the teams in a league, usually with the earlier choices being given to the weaker teams.

Please note the use of the word "usually." Because it's fantasy football, and we like chaos, it doesn't really apply. Or does it? Perhaps the Commish draft grades will tell us.

See below for a complete breakdown on each team's draft picks. Each roster is listed underneath the team name, along with both grades bestowed by the PrimeTime Draft software (the one that factors in keepers, and the one that doesn't, in that order), along with the coveted Commish grade. OK, it's not coveted. In fact, it's downright worthless. Any draft grade means nothing, but it seems fun anyway.

In draft order, beginning with #1 overall:
Hardcore Sacks
D-Hop, A-Aron Jones, Josh Jacobs, Chris Godwin, Kupp, Dede Westside, Ekeler, Christian "Don't Call Me Cousins" Kirk, Vance McDonald, DJ (keeper), Rashaad Penny, Big Ben, Trubisky, Suck-Up, Iggles

PrimeTimeDraft grades: D, D+

Commish Grade: C

Kind of a rough draft (as in, the start of something that will need to be refined) for Hardcore. There's a LOT of unproven, but possibly exciting talent from this draft. The back-to-back QBs at the turn seemed very un-Hardcore-like, but if you believe in the home-road splits for Big Ben, it might turn out to be a good thing.

Iron Ryan

Lev Bell, The Whizzinator, Brady's BFF, George Kittle, D.J. Moore, Calvin Ridley, Iron Man's Brain, The Non-Criminal OJ (keeper), Kenyan "Worse Than the Rapper" Drake, Michael Gallup, Rolls Royce Freeman, Dak, Peyton Haircut, Rosas, Greek Gods

PrimeTimeDraft grades: D-, C 

Commish Grade: D+

I don't want his RBs. Or his receivers. Or his tight end. S. Plural. I know there was a tight end as a keeper, but man, drafting a second one thinking "Hey, I could use this guy as a flex was a bold move, Cotton, let's see how it works out for him.

Pedro Pickles

Michael "Not Mike" Thomas, Frost Bite Helmet Guy, Devonta, Julie Ertz's Husband, Tom Brady's Binkie, Sammy Watkins, Derrius Juice, Miles Sanders, Fuller, UMass Andy, Russell Wilson, Mahomes (keeper), Rams, Fairbairn, Tom Brady's Injured New Toy

PrimeTime Draft grades: A, A

Commish Grade: B-

The Zero-RB movement would love this team, because there are no RBs here. Lots of hope Freeman and Guice come back from injury, and James White repeats last year. He's also hoping Mahomes repeats last year.

Hamilton Rod And Gun

Zeke, Kel Allen, Amari Cooper, D-Henry, JuJu (keeper), Tevin, Duke, Evan Engram, Only Guy Sam Darnold Has To Throw To, Wentz, Zeke's Backup, Famous Jameis, The Defense That Was Good Two Years Ago, Gostkowski, Torn-up Lamar Miller

PrimeTime Draft grades: B, B+

Commish Grade: B-

Not an awful draft, but not a great one either, really. Tony Pollard could be rendered useless by the time you read this (or I finish writing it). Derrick Henry might not be any good at all. But he's got 3 good WRs. And also Amari Cooper.

Death Valley Driver

Dave Adams, Tyreek, Just A Guy Carson, D-Mont, Ty Asshole, Watson, Kamara (keeper), Sterling Silver, Devin "Not Related to Mike" Singletary, The Name No One Can Believe The Draft Voice Got Right, Austin Hooper, Heisman Kyler, Bills D, Gronk, Mike "We Don't Need To Stinkin'" Badgley

PrimeTime Draft grades: B, B

Commish Grade: B

To be clear, the Commish grade here is about as much a commentary on the speed of his picks than on how good his team is. He's a top-half of the league team right now for sure. I'd be worried about playing against his starting WRs and one of his RBs.

Team Provost

Saquon (keeper), Mike Evans, Sony, Russell Wilson's Only Target, Top RB for Andrew Luck's Former Team, Deep Threat for Dink & Dunk Matthew Stafford, Curtis Samuel, Latavius, Donte "Keep Hoping He's Good" Moncrief, Mark Andrews, Cam, Bears D, Mile Boykin, Robbie Gould, The Gunslinger With 9 Kids

PrimeTime Draft grades: C-, D+

Commish Grade: D+

He didn't draft from a boat, but his team will probably sink. Top 2 looks decent, the rest could be VERY scary. Though Curtis Samuel is an early dark horse for next year's keeper.

Hooked On A Thielen

Catching Kelce, Chubb, Lenny Fournette, Brandin "1000 yards" Cooks, Red Rocket's Only Guy Left, Phillip Lindsay, Corey Davis, A-Rod, Manny Sanders, Team Namesake (keeper), Jordan "Used To Be Good" Howard, L-Jax, Ravens D, Wil Lutz, Ty-Mont

PrimeTime Draft grades: B+, B+

Commish Grade: B+

Kelce in the first round seems high, but then his skill position starters look very above average. I'd be worried about Mr. Fournette, but if that's the question mark here, you're doing OK. Solid draft by Brooks.

Released Dix On Boobies

Julio, Dalvin Cook, Damien Williams, Ho-Tel Mo-Tel Golladay Inn, Mike Williams, A-Rob, Red Rocket's Security Blanket, James Conner (keeper), Prince Njoku, Baker, Geronimo, Kareem, Vikings, Justin Tucker, Conner's back-up

PrimeTime Draft grades: B, B

Commish Grade: B

There's a lot of hope here that Damien Williams is good, and LeSean McCoy doesn't take his job. And that the Browns offense is actually good. If AJ Green comes back healthy, he could be the steal of the draft.

The Jeff Fisher Effect

OBJ, Mixon, Stefon Diggity, Mark Ingram, Tarik, Josh Gordon, Melly (keeper), Hunter Henry, Brees, Pettis, Fitz, Breida, Chargers, Greg The Leg, Nyheim Hines

PrimeTime Draft grades: B, B+

Commish Grade: B

Possibly very solid up top, with potential for Melvin Gordon to rush in and save the day. As discussed during the draft, a weird draft by JFE's standards, but it looks alright.

Utah Falco

Gurley, Run CMC, Robert Woods, Alshon, Jared Cook, Shady, Tyrell Wellick, Chris Hogan?, I.T.O. Smith, Matty Ice, Delanie "Needs A" Walker, Goff, Saints, Butker (I Hardly Know Her), Mr. Irrelevant

PrimeTime Draft grades: C-, D

Commish Grade: D

His RBs could be good, if Gurley is healthy. His WRs look shaky. His TEs looks meh. There will be a lot of waiver wire work to get this team to the playoffs.

Thus endeth the recap.

Thus beginneth the season! Thursday night can't come soon enough Get your Packers and Bears in your lineups (I mean, if you want them), and enjoy some of this silly hobby we all enjoy.

And again, I want to say "thank you" to you guys in this league. There are so many horror stories of bad leagues and bad leaguemates. As a commissioner, I couldn't ask for a better group of owners who pay on time, set lineups every week, and interact with each other. I'm glad to have each of you.

Except, beginning now, you are all my sworn enemies!