We had one more team eliminated from the playoffs this week, and a new first place team. These next two weeks are going to be interesting, as we have a race for the top AND for the bottom.
Iron Ryan (101.5) vs. Team Provost (74.5)
Provost is our second team eliminated from playoff contention. and Iron Ryan kept his slim hopes alive. Zach Ertz scored 22 of Provost’s 74.5 points, and that’s not a winning recipe (I also find it funny that his RBs are McCoy and McKinnon, and NEITHER of them is probably even a little bit Irish). Provost would have won if he’d used Davante Adams and Robby Anderson instead of the other Devante (Parker) and DeSean Jackson. Just how razor thin Iron Ryan’s hopes are is outlined a little later, but if he keeps having days like this, he’ll at least win his matchups and give himself a chance.
Pedro Pickles (116.5) vs. The Jeff Fisher Effect (86)
The Jeff Fisher Effect is no longer just a team name: it’s a state of mind. Or perhaps it should be called the Andy Reid Effect, given the reliance on Chiefs players. Kareem Hunt has disappeared, Alex Smith has returned to form, and The Effect just isn’t getting the production he was getting through the first 7 weeks. And he’s making shitty lineup decisions, leaving Tevin Coleman on the bench, and dropping the Chargers D before the Thanksgiving game. Pickles, meanwhile, got a second straight blowup week from Keenan Allen (in his lineup this time) en route to the victory.
Grim Reaper (103.5) vs. Jameis Winston Zeddemore (102)
Reaper put it out in the email thread on Monday afternoon: he needed 16+ (technically 15.5) from DeAndre Hopkins to win. And he got 16.5 from D-Hop. If you watched the game, tt was pretty obvious the Ravens couldn’t cover Hopkins when you saw the giant rip in his jersey. He was a beast. Speaking of beasts: Alvin Kamara is one also (35 points). Zeddemore’s total looks somewhat impressive, until you consider that 47 of those 102 points were from Julio Jones. I don’t want to brush that number under the rug though: it might very well be the highest single week point total by a starter in league history.
Released Dix On Boobies (97.5) vs. Scrote Squad (91)
Boobies (heh) victory was a big one for the teams fighting for a playoff spot (except, of course, Scrote Squad) and a big one in terms of crowning The Worst (more on that later). Scrote’s players just didn’t show up this week, ending his 3-game winning streak, and keeping more hope alive for the lower seeds. Those teams owe Boobies (heh) a motorboat of gratitude (and no, that’s not where Provost drafted this year).
Hooper’s Heroes (158) vs. Outta Luck (92.5)
Good God, Big Ben and AB. I’m gonna say this: Heroes is bleeping scary with the Steelers offense playing this way. After combining for 64 last week, BB and AB scored 67 together this week. Luckless put up a reasonable score, but there’s nothing you can do when a team posts the two highest scores in the league in back to back weeks. And despite having scored the second-fewest points in the league, Luckless is in the hunt to sneak into the playoffs yet again.
Complicated Playoff Commentary
So here’s a breakdown of the standings, and points scored, and the remaining schedule (the * means currently in a playoff spot):
*Pedro Pickles 8-4 (1229.5)(Reaper, Provost)
*Hooper’s Heroes 7-5 (1323)(Zeddemore, Effect)
*Jeff Fisher Effect 7-5 (1283.5)(Scrote, Heroes)
*Scrote Squad 7-5 (1170.5)(Effect, Luckless)
Outta Luck 6-6 (1057)(Provost, Scrote)
Jameis Winston Zeddemore 6-6 (1067.5)(Heroes, Iron Ryan)
Grim Reaper 6-6 (1168)(Pickles, Boobies(heh))
Iron Ryan 5-7 (957)(Boobies (heh), Zeddemore)
Team Provost 4-8 (1187)(Luckless, Pickles)
Released Dix On Boobies 4-8 (1014.5)(Iron Ryan, Reaper)
Pickles is the only guy who has virtually locked up a playoff spot with two games to go. In theory, he could miss the playoffs, but he’d have to lose out, and get overtaken in points, most likely by Grim Reaper, who is 61.5 points behind. That matchup against Reaper this week for him is a big one: Win and he’s in for sure.
Hooper’s Heroes has the most points, and is coming off a run of 339.5 points in the last two weeks. (Add up the three highest scores of his week 13 opponent, Zeddemore, and you only get a total of 328.5.) He’s worked the wire and kept himself in the race, and if there’s any owner who looks like he’s a sure thing to make the playoffs, it’s The Heroes.
You’d think you could have said the same thing for The Jeff Fisher Effect through the first 7 weeks of the season. He has looked positively flaccid in the last 5 weeks. He’s second in the points race, and probably has the hardest schedule to finish out the season, facing Heroes and Scrote. There’s a possibility he misses the playoffs, though his point total should be an advantage.
Scrote Squad could be in the most trouble of the current playoff teams. His team lacks for a lot (see his appeal for RBs a week ago), and he’s facing another 7-5 team this week in what basically amounts to a must win for both. He only has a two point lead on Grim Reaper right now, so it may come down to points.
Grim Reaper seems to have the best shot, simply because of the highest point total of the current 6-6 teams. He’s got to get past the current top-seed in Pickles this week for that to matter much, but he’d own the tiebreaker if he matches records with any of the current 6-6 teams. And he’s only 2.5 points behind Scrote.
Zeddemore matches up against The Heroes this week, needing to win to keep pace. A loss this week, coupled with a Luckless win over Provost, and Reaper win over Pickles puts him behind the 8 ball.
Outta Luck may be just that. He needs to win out and get some help. He’ll need to finish with a better record than the next lowest team, because his point total is tiny. If he wins this week, and Scrote loses, that Week 14 matchup between them could be for a playoff spot. At worst, he he needs Reaper to lose out, he needs Scrote to lose out, and needs to outscore Zeddemore by 11 or more over the final two weeks (if Zeddemore also wins out).
How does Iron Ryan make the playoffs? Simple. He needs to win out (and finish 7-7), Scrote to lose out (and end up 7-7),
TL; DR - there’s a LOT of football still to be played, and a lot of different scenarios that could play out. All the teams with a shot at the playoffs are hoping for a win this week to just make their lives easier. So a quickie….
Preview of Week 13
Pickles vs. Reaper: Pickles wins and he’s clinched a spot.
The Heroes vs. Zeddemore: another high scoring week for Heroes (and a win) would basically lock up his playoff spot too. Zeddemore needs a win to keep pace with the pack for the last spot.
The Effect vs. Scrote Squad: the game that means the most to both teams. The winner will control his own destiny for a playoff spot, the loser may be on the outside looking in.
Outta Luck vs. Provost: Luckless wants to win to keep pace. Provost wants to win to avoid being the first person to end up as both a Champ and The Worst.
Iron Ryan vs. Boobies (heh): Iron needs too much help to make the playoffs and Boobies (heh) just wants to not be The Worst. Again. For the second time.
I hope Week 13 isn’t unlucky for you.
Oh, who am I kidding: of course I do. I want to win, goddammit. To hell with you all!
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